I am not whole

I was very little when my grandmother died,
So other than the thought that I love her and always will, I have nothing that I remember about me and her...
But that doesn't mean that I haven't seen death!
I have been standing witness to every little peace of me that dies with each of my breath!
Yesterday, I saw a woman who had to give up her child and tell everyone that he was dead!
Not because she wanted to... but because the world did!!
And I thought to myself, about how lucky I was to have a proper family,
Being loved by so many people that stand guard of my dignity!
A couple of days ago I saw a video with so many homeless people,
Their only problem in the world was to save their necks from the cold wind, using their torn up lapel!
And I shuddered and looked around me,
The roof over my head, the coat on my skin and even the peanuts in my hands silently started to whisper,
Reminding me of so many more reasons to be thankful for!
I know I have so many things - one might say, everything,
But there is a hole in my heart in the shape of an abstract Picasso painting,
And I am tired of filling it with my paints and pastels...
It just won't go away!!!
Its not that I am sad,
I am happy,
I am just not whole!
But there are times when in a crowd full of my favourite people, I feel like I don't belong there!
I don't know how to make it go away and start enjoying what i have here!
They tell me, 'give yourself some time!
Things will fall into place,
Because being sad is no less than a crime,
Try adding possitivity to your space!'
Because they want me to know that time never stays the same,
It changes and it gets better and things just become a little more sane!
But how can I tell them that my mind is the place where time stops!!
My mind is the Switzerland  of time and it come here to spend its vacation!
Time sits on the porch of the cottage of my memories and sips ice tea of regrets while sitting on a rocking chair with my guilts!
It watches the sun of my happiness set into the depths of depression and laughs with full grin,
Time does not move!
It enjoys being still and smooth!
I am happy but there are times when my body dances with my friends and my mind thinks that nothing could be better!
But suddenly, my heart feels clastrophobic and starts to pound hard on my chest!
Those are the times when i can feel 'time' giving me its satirizing wink - I try to remain calm to my best!!
My heart is purple with all the bruises it gets while bumping itself on the wall of my ribs,
And thinking that I am not a good guardian of my body, tears me up to bits!
My anxiety is like hiccups!
It is very impolite!
It comes to me when I am having the bests of times,
And when it does, I can't breath or sleep or eat or talk!
So I start to pace around in a walk!
But that doesn't help either!
I once heard, that a woman died of having excessive hiccups that lasted more than a day, without pause,
And I know it shouldn't bother me but I can't help but wonder,
Was her hiccups real?
Or were they also metaphorical...?!!

◄ From myself to Jane Austen

The Subjects Don't Change, The Effects Do! ►


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