(A poem written for my son-in-law to read at the funeral of his mate who was killed by a hit-and-run driver recently. He didn't want anything mawkish)

 

I know this bloke – a friend of mine

We’ve shared some laughs, some special times

He liked a beer, he liked a wine;

Yep, that’s Michael.

 

I knew him well as you did too

If you don’t mind then what I’ll do

Is share my memories with you

About Michael.

 

Who’s always late and in a rush?

Runs to work, his face all flushed?

Banana stuffed inside his mush?

Yep, that’s Michael.

 

Who drunk eleven pints or more?

Who crashed out on my kitchen floor?

Who peed against my hallway door?

Yep, that’s Michael.

 

Who’s at the circus or the zoo?

Who’s in the seaside ice-cream queue?

Who’s holding Chloe’s hand there? Who?

Yep, that’s Michael.

 

Who yabbers on at politics?

Illuminati and their tricks?

He makes us all seem thick as bricks.

Yep, that’s Michael.

 

With hard-boiled eggs he made a sac

A scrotal one swung forth and back;

We laughed till we were fit to crack!

Yep, that’s Michael.

 

Who went abroad but wouldn’t drag

A suitcase for his beach bum rags

So took a Tesco plastic bag

Instead. That’s Michael.

 

And who bought flip-flops d’you suppose

Too small because the ones he chose

Both cause infections to his toes?

Yep, that’s Michael.

 

On top of this and all of these

He had a weakness and that’s he’s

A sucker for his cottage cheese

Yep, that’s Michael.

 

But God alone knows why his time

Should end so cruelly in his prime

He truly was a friend of mine

Yep, that’s Michael.