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A Poem

a window to the world

close enough afar

 

she sat across me

and twirled her locks

her beauty was bespoken

to the devil by god

 

yet she sat across me

making me beside myself and I

 

I did wish

for the dusk of the moment to linger awhile

but wishes are fishes

they swim away

 

I would trade my shadow

for another of her glance

another of her twirls

that makes my heart dance

 

my words are rich

for they have traveled here and there

when I need them

they are found nowhere

 

I wish I had said more

I wish I hadn’t swallowed my courage

I wish I had kept my window open a little longer

and embraced her smile

 

to stay warm for the eon ahead

Comments

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Mithun Nair

Sun 18th Jun 2017 01:46

Thanks Colin, Keith. I am here to learn more about writing. Your comments are most helpful and perpetually welcome.

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keith jeffries

Tue 6th Jun 2017 10:03

Mithun, This poem is good, very good especially stanzas 4 and 5. I agree with much of what Colin has said and hope you don´t mind a little constructive criticism. I also look forward to reading more of your work. Kind Regards. Keith

<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 6th Jun 2017 08:31

some lovely lines in here Mithun. I particularly like

I did wish
for the dusk of the moment to linger awhile
but wishes are fishes
they swim away

I think in the next verse 'glance' should really be 'glances' to make full sense - or you could change the line to read something like 'for one more glance' which would keep the rhyme with 'dance' intact and neat.

my only other quibble is the word 'eon' in the last line but only because it is a somewhat odd word that seems a little out of place. However I cannot think of a suitable replacement although you could use the alternative spelling of 'aeon' - I believe 'eon' is more commonly used in N.America. Or even possibly make it plural - 'to stay warm for the aeons ahead'.

having read this through several times now I have to say I like it very much and hope you don't mind me making these few suggestions. Thanks for posting. I look forward to reading some more from you in due course.

all the best
Colin

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