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Earsplitting

Shrieking with laughter she free wheeled down the hill

Plaits like twin kite tails streaming behind her

Starlings screech. An owl, late to bed, screams blue murder

Her red cardigan, an emblem, against the unrelenting green

Straight legs held aloft, exquisite pleasure of heels

Digging into thin air. The rush of wind on soft cheeks

Exhilaration of speed, obliterating all thoughts of

What she's left behind

 

Unkind words that, once spoken, cannot be unheard

Ripping of the safety net that decency had woven

Easy breaking of vows that once held tight

 

She surrenders to the momentum

She reaches for the momentous

The noise was ear-splitting

He was only doing thirty

She came out of nowhere

She was smiling but not breathing

◄ Child

Wearing Thin ►

Comments

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Hazel ettridge

Wed 31st May 2017 12:55

Thank you for the feedback Cynthia - useful and constructive as ever. I had already edited out quite a few words but maybe not enough. I was going for the richness of the moment - smelling the roses as life speeds past us - but need to reflect more on this. Perhaps I can't have both.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Tue 30th May 2017 14:54

Good one, Hazel. Much enjoyed.

Since you want the idea of 'speed', would you read this aloud to yourself, to judge whether there are a few words that could be omitted? Words that block the headlong plunge being described? It would make a huge difference. Like your haiku.

Always with respect,
Cynthia

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raypool

Mon 29th May 2017 19:16

A thoroughly good read Hazel. Love Momentum and momentous. I notice the blue murder reference of the owl and then the impact seems to elucidate that. Clever stuff.

Ray

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Hazel ettridge

Mon 29th May 2017 12:33

Comments much appreciated. This began as a Haiku ages ago -
In red cardigan
She free wheeled down the hillside
Screaming with laughter

But I couldn't leave it as pure joy - it had to get darker!

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Graham Sherwood

Mon 29th May 2017 10:39

There should be really clever name for that moment, that infinitesimal blink between ecstasy and oblivion!

Good work!

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Kim Whysall-Hammond

Mon 29th May 2017 10:13

A very fine poem.

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Martin Elder

Mon 29th May 2017 09:56

This is one of these poems I just want to read again and again. It is so rich in description and what it says.
fantastic

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