Our beloved queen St Nicolas

was born today

at the North Pole at 3pm.

 

She was born to a reindeer

with a serious alcohol habit.

While Randolph nipped off

to get more booze,

some escaped polar bears

from Neverland Zoo

came and took care of her.

 

Then a great star appeared,

showing the way to the polar bears.

They were the purest, perfectly

white as he was.

He wanted them back

 

 

Mike save St Nicolas

Camp and ridiculous

Mike save St Nik.

 

The Jackson star

was like a magnet

to the three kinks

who said.

This is surely a sign

of the coming.

 

"Lo" said the wise kinks

"Charlie Bigears shall never

succeed the crone."

For the geek shall

inherit the mirth.

 

The polar bears got cross

and dumped queen St Nicolas

for the Easter Bunny.

 

Tend this queen here for us

We couldn't give a cuss

Gone to eat easter eggs

You keep this has been.

 

Following the fading star

the kinks arriving from afar

Gave their gifts and

grovelled to Queen Nik.

 

The cad Caspar

was voted off

in a flood of viewer calls

when his golden trinkets rusted

No shine left on his balls.

 

Balthasar and Melchior

Both wowed St Nik alike

Dead heat in the voting

They share the winning cross.

 

Away with the strangers

No time for the plebs

Queen Nik had the presents

And kinks in her bed.

 

The story is quite simple,

a saviour for us all

came from a holy reindeer

to redeem us and our kin.

 

Now once a year

we celebrate

salvation ill deserved

by getting pissed and rowing

till we throw up and divorce.