Can Some One Please Help

Tuesday 25th April 2017 4:15 pm (first posted Monday 24th April 2017 10:16 pm)

I need some help with my poem. I am new at this and I would be ever so thankful if some one could give me some feed back at what I have so far. Thank you.

Death, Depresion, Demise,
Oh there are so many other words that can be used,
Prettier and more beautiful words in our languege,
Yet i find myself becomeing attached to theses words,
Clutching to them like my life depended on it.
But, maybe it does.
Maybe without these words I may not be here.

They make me question
Who desides when our time is up?
When we are torn from out loved ones,

My heart ►

Comments

Travis Brow

Fri 28th Apr 2017 07:46

Hello Sinead, i'm no expert but i reckon yours is better than the stuff i wrote when i was sixteen. And that's the point really; you're sixteen, and just starting out. As long as you keep writing, and sharing your stuff here, and wherever else, you'll improve, almost inevitably.

Like Andy says, nail your spelling.

Keep at it. If you're anything like me it will keep you sane.

Good luck, Travis.

Andy N

Wed 26th Apr 2017 22:24

i think Karen is right.

i am wrong with this myself sometimes but look at your spelling as there's a couple of typos there and it can jar.

i would also suggest teasing the piece out a bit as it does seem a bit brief at the moment to give the poem the breath it needs to flow

but either way, good luck - look forward to reading more.

Karen Ankers

Tue 25th Apr 2017 21:17

Ok, if you really want some feedback...It's a good start! Love the alliteration in the first line. Nice punchy start to the poem. Not sure if you need the "Oh"... Maybe you could explore the idea of being "attached" to words a bit more, since this seems to be the basis of the poem. Maybe write "attachment" in the middle of a page and then see what words you can find that flow from it. You've already got "Clutching". Maybe have some physical "attachment", hands, heart, throat....maybe the attachment to words stopping breath...Please ignore this is if it's of no help. But you have the start of a really interesting piece here.

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