No Fragrance Allowed

 

You walk into the room,

graceful as a swan,

seductive as the swish of Princess Margaret’s Gin and It,

poolside, ’75,

Mustique.

 

It takes a few seconds

to properly sink in

as you waltz across the carpet looking devilishly fit,

sit down, start to frown.

Spritz.

 

Half a minute later,

your scent seeks me out.

Tiny dainty molecules begin to coat my lungs.

Jesus fucking wept!

What is THAT?

 

Half a minute more.

I’m trying not to roar at you

for ruining my morning with your nauseating spray.

It’s bogging-well malodorous,

you smell like rotting walrus

mixed with diabetic piss

and faecal pus.

 

This breaches health and safety!

We need new legislation.

A Smellibel Level and an

Anti-Social Nasal Order

for those who stink of Lynx

and think of no one but themselves

the filthy cunts.

 

"Excuse me Madam, there’s no fragrance allowed in here"

 

 


(because apparently, it is National Fragrance Day. Bleurgh)

🌷 (2)

◄ Unsolicited (1968 - 2017)

Rest In Power ►

Comments

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Wed 12th Apr 2017 12:29

There are 'rules' about fragrance in Canada. I've never been quite sure whether they are local to a city/town/church/Bingo hall etc. as I 'pop' in and out these days. But they do exist, as many people totally agree with you (like me) that scent can be an abomination to the public.

The only thing worse is applying nail polish on public transport. But, maybe - taking it off with oxygen-destroying remover that could take a year's stain out of a family toilet bowl.

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Natasha Townsend

Sun 9th Apr 2017 23:36

Hahaha! I dunno about write out loud, this made me laugh out loud! Rotting​ walrus?! Faecal pus?! Fucking rank!! This is why I enjoyed it. 😂😷

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Laura Taylor

Wed 22nd Mar 2017 09:56

Cheers chaps

Yes - hide it well away Stu. DisGUSting stuff 😛

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Raj Ferds

Tue 21st Mar 2017 18:41

Here's your sequel to Lynx outburst Laura....

The Axe Effect. Then you got something to compare with.

Good whinge.
Raj

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Stu Buck

Tue 21st Mar 2017 18:07

*hides his freshly purchased can of lynx*

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Wolfgar Miere

Tue 21st Mar 2017 17:05

Its hard to believe there is even such a thing as National Fragrance Day, and if so why we need one at all.

Its the kind of early morning news item that might ruin my day.

Nice rant,

David.

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