Ground his way up the shining hills
in a climb to silken serenity
captured with tripod and film
the towering Yosemite.
Grizzly in his towering frame
Ansel Adams stood right there
a future captured with his name
with grizzly beard and grizzly hair
to show the world the wonders of light
how nature sings its wandering song
and captures souls on wings of flight
o'er peaks and troughs deep and strong
I missed the first version and am hopeless with numbers. But I love the line 'How nature sings it's wandering song' Glad you kept that in.
that opening line in particular is a great one Ray , it seems to motor along quite nicely then.
Nice one
<Deleted User> (13762)
Mon 13th Mar 2017 13:28
picture perfecto Raymondo ?
Thanks Col, Graham and Paul.
As you can see I have incorporated your ideas into the poem having "seen the light." I appreciate the time and trouble you took and my only reservation was that the whole thing might seem too contrived and "boxed up." I think the risk is that if you attempt a certain clear style of rhyming it does stand or fall on the rules - so I think now that there is a certain satisfaction in the lines that it didn't have before. Col, I take your point about the extra info that doesn't really reveal the core of the message ! I hope this version cuts the mustard.
Monday is one of those days, I guess!!
Much appreciated, Ray
As a footnote, I have Adam's three books on b & w photography stunning guides to the art.
Aha! sorry Ray, it must be Monday morning exuberance but I too have a suggestion to make (We're all bloody critics aren't we).
Love the first verse where the rhyming is in lines 1/3 and 2/4
In the second verse the rhyming is in 1/2 and 3/4 with an extra line.
For my money it would be better to rearrange the second verse into 1/3 and 2/4 scheme (it works perfectly) and lose the extra line where you repeat the word Yosemite.
Agree with Colin about the third verse
................I'll get my coat
Nice tribute Ray, you've sparked my interest.
Thanks for sharing this.
Paul
<Deleted User> (13762)
Mon 13th Mar 2017 08:34
The first two stanzas flow delightfully but I'm struggling with the third - I'm not sure it adds much weight to what has already been said (we know he's an American photographer - darkroom / America) although I do quite like the last three lines. Perhaps they could be revised into 4 lines to make a 4,5,4 structure instead of the current 4,5,6?
anyways, something for you to ponder or ignore Ray ?
Col
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raypool
Wed 15th Mar 2017 23:38
Thanks for adding your thoughts Martin and picking up on the ascent - apparently he used an old shooting brake so I thought that got the feel!
Hazel, I rehashed the last verse for brevity rather hurriedly but so glad you spotted that line now ! Thanks.
Ray