The Peacock
Under Revision
Comments
<Deleted User> (6560)
Wed 23rd Sep 2009 14:11
I enjoyed this poem for its honest fidelity to actuality.
Many years of 'art crit' taught me humility..though I never did understand why Tretchikoff's once ubiquitous 'Green Lady' was so green...
Michael
interesting stuff, Cynthia.. bit different to your other stuff certo but i enjoyed it!
I would agree with Isobel on this Cynthia. In style it reminds me of Robert Brownings "Last Duchess" almost as though you are having a conversation with your reader. I like the way you are developing and trying out different styles.
Cate xx
I would describe this as an odd piece Cynthia. It is set out like a poem but in places reads like a piece of prose. The second verse is quite conversational using every day language, as though you are chatting to someone. Possibly this was your intention but it does contrast greatly with the first and even the last two.
I do think you are brave though to step outside the norm and make something out of your reaction to a picture. You will probably know that I am not a great fan of descriptive poetry which is why I haven't commented before. I may not be the best one to listen to therefore.
Winston ... too personal, as if it were casual conversation. To my mind, good poetry must have intensity, however simple the words, like your 'Last Tommy' which has power. My "Peacock" idea has power too, but it isn't immediately obvious; it shuffles along instead of striding. Thanks much.
Cynthia
Hi Cynthia, not sure how something can be too personal when it comes to poetry. Do you mean self indulgent? I started reading this and was wanting to read on and know more yet was thrown a little by the lack of structure and personal style which left me wondering whether I was reading a poem or a story (perhaps this is what you mean by too personal) Some of the lines have great descriptive words "Draping its iridescent eyes" and "The last gleaming vision before dreams" yet others are more straight forward. Maybe it is this shift that is causing me some problems... In any case I can see the painting and can see the bird and this vision will probably be with me as I drop off tonight. Iam interested in whether "plain" writing using simple words carefully chosen can still be great poetry. see my last post. Win x
Excellent points, Janet. I'm re-thinking already. I have always found my initial work too personal.
Francine, thanks for your comments. It's wonderful to know that you follow my postings.
<Deleted User> (5646)
Thu 17th Sep 2009 14:28
Hi Cynthia, as you know already, i'm no expert on editing and i'm a little touchy with editing my own but as you asked for ideas i'll insert my thoughts on your poem.
I love the first stanza but perhaps you could de-personalize it by dropping the first line and save the last two lines for the ending?
The last gleaming vision before dreams
and first golden thought upon waking says it all with regards to where the image/painting is seen but maybe it could be left to the reader to decide if this is the image seen within the room or from the bedroom window?
Obviously it is up to you if you'd like the readers to know at the end that it is a piece of art through the eyes of a poet. :-)
It has some great imagery without the bedroom scene but please don't allow my input to sway your own thoughts and feelings as to where you can take this to make it better.
Janet.x
I enjoyed reading this Cynthia. I could relate to the feeling of having something you felt was initially horrendous, eventually grow on you...
I find that your words were descriptive enough to pull me in and make me want to know more...
Très bien : )
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winston plowes
Sat 26th Sep 2009 01:06
Ah yes.. I see and indeed agree with all of the below. Have you decided what to do with this? Leave it or change it? Win. P.S. I am glad you thought "The last Tommy" had some worth. ]
"Winston ... too personal, as if it were casual conversation. To my mind, good poetry must have intensity, however simple the words, like your 'Last Tommy' which has power. My "Peacock" idea has power too, but it isn't immediately obvious; it shuffles along instead of striding. Thanks much."