eighteen

my legs are closed now

so it's all through to you

 

you say:

what a night

you're fantastic

well

that was fun

while it lasted

 

I say:

oh yeah

well 

go on now

get gone

 

but despite my efforts

to deny it

to hide it

 

my young heart

is ripped open,

in two 

because

it's through 

 

wondering your answers 

to the questions

left behind

in my mind

 

what's your middle name?

where do you take proper girls

on a first date?

am i just a flake,

full of hate?

 

do you have a favorite

cursive letter?

if you loved someone,

when would you tell her?

 

how will you make a living?

(certainly not by drinking)

 

does your mother know you're 

a lying lush?

do you know that you're

a lousy fuck?

 

will you remember me?

i hope to forget you soon

although it's doubtful

but i have to 

to get my soul full

again

 

wondering the answers

until I indulge once more

and my heart is torn

into 4

then 8

until it disintegrates

 

I say:

go on

get gone

don't make 

me late

◄ fantasy

true self ►

Comments

Profile image

Little Bit

Sun 12th Mar 2017 19:02

thanks seamus! ?

Profile image

Seamus Mac Fhearchair

Tue 7th Mar 2017 21:18

that is first class ? teach me

Profile image

Little Bit

Thu 2nd Feb 2017 13:29

I'm so excited that someone is reading my poems, Andy & Colin! I'm glad that you enjoyed it. And I am always open to feedback. That's why I'm here.

Andy, it's interesting because the spots you pointed out with suggestions were some places that I had the most trouble. I went back and forth between "threw" and "through" several times..."through" was my gut instinct then I started second guessing myself. Ha! Thank you for the suggestions to make my poem stronger.

<Deleted User> (13762)

Wed 1st Feb 2017 09:18

I'm with Andy (or Travis if you prefer) ? lots here to enjoy LB and my favourite sections by far are the 'get gone' ones - I can hear you saying them and when words 'speak' they speak volumes. Thanks for posting, Col.

Travis Brow

Wed 1st Feb 2017 07:03

Hello Little Bit, there are parts of this that i really like; for instance these lines:

my legs are closed now

I say: / oh yeah / well / go on now /get gone

what's your middle name? / where do you take proper girls / on a first date? / do you have a favorite / cursive letter?

if you loved someone, / when would you tell her?

does your mother know you're / a lying lush? / do you know that you're / a lousy fuck?

but i have to / to get my soul full / again (is there one too many 'to's in this bit?)

I say: / go on / get gone / don't make / me late

There is plainly heartache here but also bravado, and a fuck you attitude. i can almost feel the poem (you) teetering on the edge; it's like what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. If this is how you felt at eighteen then you were more grown up than i was at that age...

One thing though; do you need to say, in reference to your heart, 'ripped open / in two'. Wouldn't one of these phrases suffice, unless you put a comma between them.

Also, you use the word 'threw' twice. Should it be 'through', as in 'over'?

Please take my comments in the spirit they're intended. I'm glad you've posted more poems and i hope you continue to do so; they're always worth reading.

Andy. (or Travis, if you prefer).

If you wish to post a comment you must login.

This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.

Find out more Hide this message