One-Way

When you cry

I cry

 

When you smile 

I smile

 

When you run

I run

 

When you jump

I jump 

 

But 

 

When I do 

You don't

◄ Death in Real Time

Comments

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Christina Manxhari

Mon 30th Jan 2017 19:27

Thanks for all the great feedback/ comments. Always welcomed.

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alan barlow

Sun 29th Jan 2017 15:59

I really like this and I initially agreed with Colin and Randall about the emphasis on the "I". Upon reading it in what I imagine to be the style of the author however I think I prefer that version, your version. Anyway I like the piece and also like being made to think on occasion, thank you.

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Randall Eckstein

Sun 29th Jan 2017 13:23

Man, I've been there! I remember having this exact same thought about a girl I'd been chasing for about two years (though my thoughts were not nearly as poetic as yours).

I do agree with Colin about the emphasis on the I final I, but the rest I leave to you and your creative muse. 😎

<Deleted User> (13762)

Sun 29th Jan 2017 08:20

I rather like the simplicity of this although personally I don't see a need to emphasise the final 'I'.

I was wondering how this might work from a slightly different angle, changing the title to something like One-way Trip / Journey / Ticket for example.

When you turned left
I turned left...

But when I stopped at the red light
You went straight ahead.

Just a thought.

Also, the title as it stands kinda gives the game away and takes a little of the punch out of the final two lines.

Hope you don't mind me commenting this way. As I said, I do like the poem. It works because of its brevity. It would have been all too easy to have got carried away with endless you-did-thats and I-did-this's.

Thanks for posting. Colin.

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