One-Way
When you cry
I cry
When you smile
I smile
When you run
I run
When you jump
I jump
But
When I do
You don't
Comments
I really like this and I initially agreed with Colin and Randall about the emphasis on the "I". Upon reading it in what I imagine to be the style of the author however I think I prefer that version, your version. Anyway I like the piece and also like being made to think on occasion, thank you.
Man, I've been there! I remember having this exact same thought about a girl I'd been chasing for about two years (though my thoughts were not nearly as poetic as yours).
I do agree with Colin about the emphasis on the I final I, but the rest I leave to you and your creative muse. ?
<Deleted User> (13762)
Sun 29th Jan 2017 08:20
I rather like the simplicity of this although personally I don't see a need to emphasise the final 'I'.
I was wondering how this might work from a slightly different angle, changing the title to something like One-way Trip / Journey / Ticket for example.
When you turned left
I turned left...
But when I stopped at the red light
You went straight ahead.
Just a thought.
Also, the title as it stands kinda gives the game away and takes a little of the punch out of the final two lines.
Hope you don't mind me commenting this way. As I said, I do like the poem. It works because of its brevity. It would have been all too easy to have got carried away with endless you-did-thats and I-did-this's.
Thanks for posting. Colin.
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Christina Manxhari
Mon 30th Jan 2017 19:27
Thanks for all the great feedback/ comments. Always welcomed.