Not all Monsters have Fangs

Children are scared of monsters,

They hide beneath their beds,

Boogie men and spiders, 

dogs and dark and snakes.

 

Their fears are not unfounded,

But monsters rarely crawl,

Don't have fangs or claws.

But susceptible they fall.

 

She stood her in the corner,

She beat her to black and blue.

She told her that she loved her;

It simply wasn't true.

 

She held her tight

She kissed her lips,

She read her stories too.

Holidays and family trips.

 

She locked her up,

She cursed and laughed, 

She stayed away all day,

Her cruelty unsurpassed.

 

No neglect,

Nothing to see.

Ice cream treats,

Nice clean sheets.

 

She spanked her legs,

She pulled her hair,

She took her toys away,

She didn't want to play. 

 

The monster stole her childhood,

She took it all away.

Not a wolf eats granny,

That's a hope one day. 

Monster cruelty abuse sadness childhood

◄ The Dead Dolls

Lost ►

Comments

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Louise Hogg

Fri 27th Jan 2017 21:16

Thanks Colin.

The poem is loosely based on a TV show about Shannon Mathews' faked kidnap by her mother.

The ideas that those who should love you most often don't.

The poem tries to show the conflict between the good parent everyone sees and the monster they may be behind closed doors.
I tried to mix ordinary life with abuse. I need to revise it and make it show that more clearly.
Thanks for the tips. It's making me think. 😃

<Deleted User> (13762)

Fri 27th Jan 2017 20:54

I'm enjoying this dark side Louise, the first two verses lulling us into a nursery rhyme false sense of security (I was tempted at that point to say this would make a good children's poem) but oops, we slip into something a little more sinister.

I'm not sure I'm completely with Randall, with respect sir, regards the final four lines but (to me) there are a few end lines which don't flow so well - 'holidays and family trips' for one. If it was my poem I'd be tempted to play around with this and try jiggling some lines about to see if it flowed better. But maybe that's the way I'm reading it, we are all different in that respect. Good stuff though and I'm hoping you might have some more like this and your previous up your sleeve . Col.

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Louise Hogg

Fri 27th Jan 2017 20:53

No offence taken. I was flattered that you gave your time to offer such help.


The last stanza does jar. I need to look at it. The idea that Granny and Wolf are both bad and different types of monster that deserved each other's fate needs to be developed. Thanks.

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Randall Eckstein

Fri 27th Jan 2017 14:26

The rhythm of the poem is very good; it flows well, and hits its marks all the way through.

What follows is my attempt at constructive criticism. I hope you won't be offended if I mention something that didn't quite work for me, and my suggestion on how to fix it.

I was with you all the way until the last couplet. I keep going over it in my head, trying to dissect it and map the punctuation out. The theme of the couplet starts strong, with a reference to childhood stories' monsters, but it seems to make a jump from past to future that takes me by surprise, and even then it's not a certitude, but a hope.

Might I suggest you try breaking the last quatrain into two bits, and then elongating each couplet left over into it's own new quatrain. That way the flow won't be impeded, and you will be able to express more completely what you are hinting at in the final couplet.

Again, hope I don't offend. Your work is lovely. 😀

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