My Gay Mates

*******Warning Extreme Adult Content*******

Speaking as a fundamental full blown heterosexual....

In a bar in Spain met a geriatric gay couple
Camper than camping, & far from supple 
With two straight dogs n a dodgy heart
Busted sphincter, never heard his fart
A few more coconut flavored drinks
My curiosity grows, & shyness shrinks
I enquire about what their sort did in bed
He turned so his mate, winked n nodded his head
Almost sick in his mouth with tears n laughter
Out popped his phone......& he Googled X hamster 
He continued with much gusto & gay pride 
With his partner stood steadfast by his side
With oral n anal it started off tame
Then I quickly realised, we're all not the same! 
A man with a penis from the family equidae 
Wish it was mine, even just for the day
Unzipped his fly, hit the floor with a thump
Could go to a fancy dress, as a bloody petrol pump!
More leather than a herd of dirty dairy cows 
Squeaky, creaky noise to arouse
S&M, rubber, gas masks n rope
Houdini it's not, I'm struggling to cope!
Rimming & felching, can't think that's hygienic
For me wirebrush n Dettol, still couldn't clean it
Birds do it? Bees do it? cats n dogs certainly do it
Let's do it, let's fall in shit?
Like Siamese twin deviants, joined at the tip
Space docking mates, with a Velcro zip
This practice really gives me the irk
Can't help thinking of Captain Kirk 
Bukkake party for my delectation 
Like herding cats, they cum from every direction
Like a plasters radio, he's covered in spaff
Wanna join in? yer aving a laugh!
A Vietnamese love wand brings tears to yer eyes
Hold up!, steady on, watch me piles! 
Poppers n lube, chem-sex n condoms
This isn’t at all what yer quiet mom-does?
Sounding of the urethra, please, give it a rest
Oh no! A Cleveland steamer now on his chest!
Oh my God! The Kentucky Klondike Bar!
Stop!, stop!, stop! STOP!'ve gone too far!
Backside that’s looks like a kicked over trifle
My gagging reflex… I had to stifle
Private parts resembling a vets waste bin
Even an atheist would think it a sin
In moderation not INXS; auto asphyxiation gone wrong
Pass the Fabreze, there’s a God awful pong
Enemas, water sports, Voltaire angry glove
Won’t fit, too big, give it a shove!
This all is consensual, a means to an end
This is revolting; I feel we should be friends 

Adult content.....

◄ Not the Man I Used to Be

Don't Treat Me Like Me ►


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Thu 29th Dec 2016 03:26

Rick - In the Style of John Cooper Clarke...&, I toned it down before posting. No hamsters died in the making of this poem...Jeff....

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Rick Gammon

Wed 28th Dec 2016 19:54

I'm reporting you to the net nanny ?

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Wed 28th Dec 2016 17:26

Andromeda.....will do! I googled the fetishes & they do exist! The Kentucky bar is particularly offensive ?....Jeff.....

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Wed 28th Dec 2016 17:24

Nooooooo! I'm 100% straight! Hahahahaha! I did meet some guys who were gay (now mates) & after a few drinks the conversation turned to utter filth & I went home to research it.....It was hilarious what some people do in their own homes! The two guys were just into normal stuff....but hey each his own......hope that clears things up?.........Jeff.....


Wed 28th Dec 2016 16:56

Haha Jeff you twisted fuck! I like this one, its light and comical and..rather educational? Keep on creepin on.

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Wed 28th Dec 2016 16:03

Whatever happened to romance, Jeff? No comment can really do this justice, as it stands alone amongst the proud detritus of the human condition. Mind you, if it turns you on, why not? It's not the sort of fun and games most of us have tried, and there is a sort of indelicacy to it, but having said that, there is no real offence in it for me, so good on you!! I think the smell alone would put me off thanks.


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Wed 28th Dec 2016 10:50

Almost all of it is true....which just makes it funnier....& still mates with them both...Jeff.....

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