My Gay Mates
*******Warning Extreme Adult Content*******
Speaking as a fundamental full blown heterosexual....
In a bar in Spain met a geriatric gay couple
Camper than camping, & far from supple
With two straight dogs n a dodgy heart
Busted sphincter, never heard his fart
A few more coconut flavored drinks
My curiosity grows, & shyness shrinks
I enquire about what their sort did in bed
He turned so his mate, winked n nodded his head
Almost sick in his mouth with tears n laughter
Out popped his phone......& he Googled X hamster
He continued with much gusto & gay pride
With his partner stood steadfast by his side
With oral n anal it started off tame
Then I quickly realised, we're all not the same!
A man with a penis from the family equidae
Wish it was mine, even just for the day
Unzipped his fly, hit the floor with a thump
Could go to a fancy dress, as a bloody petrol pump!
More leather than a herd of dirty dairy cows
Squeaky, creaky noise to arouse
S&M, rubber, gas masks n rope
Houdini it's not, I'm struggling to cope!
Rimming & felching, can't think that's hygienic
For me wirebrush n Dettol, still couldn't clean it
Birds do it? Bees do it? cats n dogs certainly do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love....no shit?
Like Siamese twin deviants, joined at the tip
Space docking mates, with a Velcro zip
This practice really gives me the irk
Can't help thinking of Captain Kirk
Bukkake party for my delectation
Like herding cats, they cum from every direction
Like a plasters radio, he's covered in spaff
Wanna join in? yer aving a laugh!
A Vietnamese love wand brings tears to yer eyes
Hold up!, steady on, watch me piles!
Poppers n lube, chem-sex n condoms
This isn’t at all what yer quiet mom-does?
Sounding of the urethra, please, give it a rest
Oh no! A Cleveland steamer now on his chest!
Oh my God! The Kentucky Klondike Bar!
Stop!, stop!, stop! STOP!.....you've gone too far!
Backside that’s looks like a kicked over trifle
My gagging reflex… I had to stifle
Private parts resembling a vets waste bin
Even an atheist would think it a sin
In moderation not INXS; auto asphyxiation gone wrong
Pass the Fabreze, there’s a God awful pong
Enemas, water sports, Voltaire angry glove
Won’t fit, too big, give it a shove!
This all is consensual, a means to an end
This is revolting; I feel we should be friends