I was not aware how weak I was,
Till I felt your voice,
The reaction I had to you
As my new favorite song.
I had no choice
After you I was going
To bad if where I was headed
How the minute my soul awakened
from a pit so far down
it be considered a ghost,
God need not help me then
for he knew I was long gone
already down on my knee's
deciding my sin has been done
Sure I had small fantasies
typing jokes or stories
While smiling back and forth.
The cuteness showing maybe,
ourselves not aware.
We Ignored the actuality
Of what was going on here
Yet perhaps expectations
As we searched for each other
had been clear.
And maybe those late nights
The times when we said things
Knowing they were not that innocent
We should of cared.
I have heard and seen millions
whom I was able to turn away
still focused to my life
that I faithfully kept safe.
Sure I thought
"what if's", "why not's", "could of's"
Though I figured I had my time
I 'outa forget the should ofs
I got this family at twenty-nine.
Thinking this is how its suppose to be,
this is what I prayed for
my gift to receive.
As the decade passed I realized
Its not always about love and happiness.
That its ok to sometimes be ignored,
Continuously walked over
by those that love me,
Deep down telling lies
To get by.
At night I cry next to his warm body in loneliness
While laying my hand out searching for comfort
he was asleep in his dreams unhurt,
as Id swim in thoughts of hopelessness
Thinking I deserved this most.
I chalked it off as a woman's common mistake,
chances to make it easier
Are not there just for me to take.
I've got lives that matter
who on me they are counting,
I need to toughen up
I'm not really the one drowning.
Smiling in front of my tired eyes
Makes my life look lush and easy,
Though in my head I'm contemplating
my sins must be marked high
or the meaning I'm not understanding.
As i began to forget what it meant to be happy
My pleading prayers to God felt selfish and guilty.
I've always trusted him and his answers
But time went on so long and got so dark.
I figure he was just too busy at first
Knowing there are more deserving
those that really hurt.
My light inside flickered ever so faintly
Noticing lately of having more dreams of
nothing coming to save me.
Thoughts of worthlessness consuming me
Till that night something changed in me.
Time slowed I sat sudden
I was not expecting your laugh
Your voice just your chuckle
To reach down so gently
Coax out what I thought
Would stay only broken
my knees still buckled.
The shell my heart created
Cracked burst and crumbled.
The golden cloud of my soul rose
As the after shock vibrations
you voiced echoed.
Sparks gone now turned to torches
My stomach settled now lurching
heartbeat faded now racing
back of my eyes prickled,
You had seemed so close
My skin tingled
Though it’s a scary thought
the problems I'll have to face,
Sad results of choices ill have to make
I don’t want to turn back
Not when my soul spoke
"believe for me, don’t return me"
Laughing to break my silence,
Electricity popping before I relaxed
my fingers went to my face
a smile on my lips I nervously traced.
My smirk clearly heard.
Knowing quite well something about
this was most likely going to hurt.
you gave me the best back
A open mic left for me to listen
to falter in your breath
The throat you were clearing.
A smile I wish I could of seen.
the "hi" you said at last.
My heart was now never going to stop beating this fast.