I'm in love with Matt Baker

he's a mover and shaker,

and impeccably human and warm

he takes on challenges

with rickshaw and ropes

and he always seems on form.

 

Although he's so young and I am so old

he's also mature and incredibly bold

masochistic enthusiastic

on him i'm definitely sold.

 

 I have a strong sense

that we might mend a fence

in the Dales with sheep looking on

him drinking a pint and tilling the land

with me both inept and tense.

 

I want him to teach me dry stone walling

while deeper in love with him i'd be falling,

at the sheepdog trials i'd be guilty as charged

but with Matt by my side and my ego enlarged

a celebration would ensue

with a night on the tiles in Yorkshire in view.

 

In his One Show studio spot

he's wonderfully humble and topically hot

like Alan Titchmarsh and his ilk

la Moor bah't 'at with all the chat.

 

If I could get famous and share my views

I could rid myself of these terrible blues

'cause Matt with his format

would shine for me

with exposure, composure

and spots on TV.

 

But it's not about fame

though my claim seems lame

it's love for its own sake

and it's all in the game.

 

So Matt my life is in your hands

mend it or end it with these simple demands.

I think you would rue it

if you didn't pursue it

 

Yours sincerely

a friend of Jo Brand's.