The Depths of Stillness.

When there’s nothing left but an empty heart

When all thats left will pull you apart

When you look at the sun and see a cloud 

And look at a cloud and feel despair.

 

You turn a corner and see a hill.

And what they offer is just a pill.

And the pain you feel, that, just can’t kill.

All you can do is sit very very very still.

 

When you try to run its a tiny step

You run an inch and it feels a mile.

Your face is hardened into a smile.

Every word is a tear sent trial.

 

When your back aches with enforced stillness.

And your heart breaks with constant illness.

And airs dragged down with each ragged breath.

And scared of that constant accompanying death.

 

So then you look at the highest bridge

And you sense the depths of deepest despair

And you look at rope and bannister

And your counting the pills maybe left there

 

The beauty thats there parades before blind eyes

The voices of support hammer on hardened ears

The waves of love foundering on deaths breakwaters

And written words of love are in the wrong language.

 

So you hold yourself very very very still

And try not to be noticed in an empty room

By people who you won’t let through the door

And the phone rings and shrivels your heart.

 

And after months of stillness sometimes years

You learn to curse yourself for the stillness

For being the bastard who won’t share

For trying to act as if you don’t care. 

 

And time upon time you ask yourself why

And always you wander as you sit and cry

About that lack of movement or healthy comment

And you realise that the total stillness upon stillness

And massive silence and hard held breath

Is styled imitation of a longed for death. 

 

Still still still day.

Still today.

Stiller then yesterday.

Yesterday was still.

Today is still stiller still.
Don't move, don't stir.
Just be still.
Just be there.

🌷 (2)

◄ Betrayed by the hands.

War. ►

Comments

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raypool

Wed 6th Jul 2016 16:31

Very affecting Phil. Stillness can be a yoga aim to find peace, but in your expressed terms it is a place of retreat that offers no peace - and though mercifully I don't know that place in its entirety, I have sensed the depths and so applaud the poem for the its great insight .

Ray

Rebecca Miller

Wed 6th Jul 2016 16:27

Phil, this is heartbreaking and a truthful insight into what occurs in the mind. You've captured and expressed the feelings into the perfect words.

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Phil Kay

Tue 5th Jul 2016 21:53

I have worked in Mental Health Services and have seen and heard much from people fighting to stay alive... Or have been as close as it can get. I've had my own battles as have many others...

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