We're off to Never never land - Paracetamol, cucumber sandwiches and the lost rent boy Version 2

Gav called me up. 

Him and Tolly were going out to Never Never Land in Blackburn

3 lost boys off on a curious adventure


Mi mum dropped me off at Gavs 'ouse ont' Shad estate

Gav got us a coke before we caught t' buz in

But 'e sprinkled in some white pewder

"What's this? Pixie dust?"

"It's summat to gi' you Speed" said Tolly

"just drink it!" Said Gav

So I did 


"2nd Star t' t' reet and straight on t' t' moornin'!"


But we'd bin sold crushed paracetamol 


So we just acted like we were fucked and lied to each other about ow buzzin wi were

But we weren't buzzin

Then we caught buz in

Waitin' for t' affects o' t' artificial amphetamine t' kick in

'N' we got t' Neverland

No mermaids 'ere

No pretty injun girls

There were a few blokes wi dodgy eyes n limps

But no no, no-n-no no, no-n-no no no no there's no pirates!

Just shitty plastic Palm trees

'N' townies in fluorescent nylon shirts 

No peacock feathered hats ere

Just steps n curtains n aggressive faces

'N' me wi' a bowl cut and trepidation 

Tryin' t' think happy thoughts


Surrounded bi freebooters, piccaroons, Buccaneers, filibusters and Rovers

Wi' their left foot, right foot dancing

And an eye on t' maidens

Sneering in our direction

Lost boys

That 'aven't grown up


I sort o' skirted round edges feelin' scared

Then went to sit at sides on an empty table 'n' hid


On t' next table were a nice lookin' couple o' blokes.

They must o' bin good mates!

They were cuddlin' 'n' touchin' each other a lot.

Anyhow, thi got talking t' mi

Told 'em I'd not bin out before

"Ow old are you lad? 14/15?"

"I'm 18"

Thi sort o' laughed, dunno why

Then one of 'em offered me a cucumber sandwich

I thought t' mi sel'

"I dunno much about nightclubs but I dunt think folk normally bring cucumber sandwiches!"

But I were 'ungry so I ate it

Then I think 'e thought we were mates coz 'e were touchin mi leg

I 'ad to crow for Gav an' Tolly

They came in like Peter Pan and rescued mi and I set off for 'ome


I went to t' phone box n' called mi mum

Didn't know town reet well

So I waited for 'er outside o' mi old school

There were some scary lookin people on one side o't' road snappin at each other like crocodiles

So I stood under t' lamppost so I were int' leet an' t' cars passin could see mi

Felt safer like that

Time passed

Tick tock tick tock

T' crocodiles were lurkin

Each time a car passed I stepped out a bit

To look for mi mum

Drivers kept lookin at mi nervously n drivin off

Maybe thi thought I were a crocodile too

N they kept smirking at mi

Then some officers pulled up like privateers in their blue and white flashin galleon

Made us stand again t' wall as I asked for parle

'N' thi searched mi for treasure

Asked us if I pulled into port for rentin

"Rentin' what? I'm Waitin for mi mum."

"Aye cap'n! Hahaha! I'm sure you are! Dressed in tight little hot pants!"

"These aren't 'ot pants, they're chinos?!"

Then mi mum turned up an said "oh aye! This streets t' red light district!"

"Well bugger me!"


Never, never again... Until uni happened

◄ Do Something.

2010. New job. New government. ►


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Matthew James

Tue 14th Jun 2016 18:43

Look lads, '"""" ""ft""" 'n' ''''' banana ''''le ""' in a Ford Cortina.

<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 14th Jun 2016 14:44

oh no offence taken LCPTB. Thanks for your response. As an Englishman living in Wales I know how the subject of language and dialect can arouse the passions.

You should maybe learn to embrace the red squiggly lines - you never know they might throw up some pleasant surprises! - there's one under your abbreviated LCPTB name right now. The trick is to right click them and 'Add to dictionary' then you won't be bothered again. A minor victory perhaps.

I think my step-grandfather was one of the last to have a broad Sussex accent the likes of which you'd be hard pressed to find nowadays.

Anyways, enough of this - sorry to hijack your poem Matt.

<Deleted User> (13762)

Tue 14th Jun 2016 13:04

LCPTB - 'is deemed to be of less cultural value by some folk' - if that is aimed at me then you have completely misinterpreted the point I was making.

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Matthew James

Mon 13th Jun 2016 15:14

Thank you Colin, that makes total sense. It's an extra layer of complexity to break down which takes time to appreciate. I've had the same issue at times when trying to read Irvin Welsh, so I do understand your meaning and didn't feel criticised in a negative sense. It was feedback, which is always good. Much better than being ignored!
Thank you again for reading and commenting. Please keep in touch

<Deleted User> (13762)

Mon 13th Jun 2016 09:47

Hi Matt, I understand the dialect works when performing it's just I find it difficult to read and enjoy as much as I feel I ought to. And I can't do Lancashire accents in my head so it turns into a messy mish mash of my own invention - somewhere between cockney asian northern england gangster rap.

It's not a criticism as such, more an observation or point of view on this style of writing which crops up from time to time here on WoL.

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Matthew James

Mon 13th Jun 2016 09:32

Ta Ray tha'r a good un!

Hey Colin, thank you, although I don't entirely understand the feedback. Why did you feel the dialect didn't work? The structure of the poem is a first person account of my first night out. A time at which I had a heavy Lancashire dialect which is reflected in the poem. It's written for performance and when I deliver it the accent to me is essential to the delivery of the story. Without it I think something would be lost really. What do you dislike about the dialect? Nonetheless, thank you for the feedback.

<Deleted User> (13762)

Sun 12th Jun 2016 20:20

Hi Matt, I like your work and I like this but - the whole dialect thing doesn't work for me. Maybe it's because I'm a Southerner but - by a couple of verses in I was translating it and wondering how it would read without all the missed letters and apostrophes. Hope you don't mind me saying.

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Sun 12th Jun 2016 19:35

Wonderful foray into northern life with all its finesse! The innocence of youth is a wonderful thing, tha' knows.


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