I would rather not be a Dick

I would have preferred to be Rich.

but Dick it is.

Dick it always has been.

It might not have been so bad

being Dick,

if only I had been

well - larger.

 

Kids don't do irony

do they?

No - calling me Donkey Dick

wasn't irony,

it was fucking murder.

 

I died.

My dick died.

It started out small

and got smaller.

Every time I heard it

I lost another millimetre.

 

Seeing me speak to a girl

"Hey Donkey Dick"

I was alone again.

And another fraction shorter.

 

Then the e-mail arrived.

"Stop being tiny freak and go enlarge your dick."
It said.

How did they know?

 

"Penis Enlarge Patch will erase the embarrassing memories left from your boyhood."

Boy!

What else do they know about me?

They started coming thick and fast.

"Concentrate your beauty in your pants."

"Your penis reminds a computer mouse?"

"You penis suits a Disney character."

"be the most confident man in town!
All girls like the big guys"
"change your vanilla penis into a chocolate one."
What the hell is penis enlarge patch?

"With Penis Enlarge Patch your penis will never fit in her hand"
"A penis longer than elephant's trunk with Penis Enlarge Patch."

"With Penis Enlarge Patch you can wrap your penis around her waist."

"After taking Penis Enlarge Patch you will be able to use your dick as a scarf."

"Girls lie when they say "size doesn’t matter" that’s just to make us feel better,

"The truth is they want their partner to have a huge one, and they will keep searching until they find it! Now you can be that big man."

 

With trembling hands I peeled off the backing.

I had to pull it to get enough skin to put the large patch on.

There. It's stuck.

I let go and it pinged back,

leaving the patch wrinkled.

and my dick lopsided.

Ah well. Might as well go for it.

I put another patch on the other side.

It looked like my willie

was wearing a pink raincoat

and it was itchy.

But wait! The wrinkles are reducing.

Yes, no doubt, it is getting a bit bigger.

Frantically I got another two patches from the packet.

Another big stretch and I got them on.

 

New orders placed,

overdraft arranged.

Tugging and sticking,

I soon have

dozens of patches in place.

Yes! It would go round my waist.

I could tie a knot in it.

Any elephant would greet me as a brother.

It went round my neck.

I painted it in the colours of my old school.

 

A dinner date with a lovely beauty.

We exchange compliments and settle at our table.

She suggests that I remove my scarf in the warm room.

Flushing, pink, I search for a response,

but before I can do anything,

my 'scarfe' shrinks rapidly back into my pants.

 

My date collapsed in uncontrollable laughter

and I jerked awake at my keyboard.

 

Somebody must stop these people!

Immediately I set up my antispam

software company.

Within months I was global and

now I've sold to Google.

Lottery winners seem poor.

My intray is empty

and my love life is fine.

I'm no dick, I'm rich.