1.When I’ve gone

 

When I’ve gone

When I’ve left you all

When my bones are being reduced

To dust, best held in an urn

 

Skip through my back catalogue

Find the verse I cobbled together

That has become your favourite

And read it, loud and proud

 

It’s all I’d want really

I can think of nothing better

Than my most precious friends and family

Being forced to read my awful poetry

 

So, on my great day

My last hurrah and goodbye

I’ll only regret being a crap Dad

And, possibly, writing words that just don’t rhyme

 

On that day, stand tall and firm

Do me proud

Shout out my words

My lines, my verses and terrible puns

 

Remember me affectionately,

As the organ plays its sorrowful tune

But most of all, on that day, don’t ever forget

To read out the half-time scores

 

2.Bloody football

 

Whatever happened to football matches

That always kicked off at 3 O’clock on Saturday?

Bloody Television

 

It used to get me out of doing the weekly shop with the Missus

Until shops started opening on Sunday

Bloody Shops

 

Now it’s a struggle to get to Church, have a beer

Eat Sunday dinner, all before the early game kicks off

Bloody Church

 

And even on Sunday’s, wearing my best suit and tie

When we start singing “When I survey the Wondrous Cross”,

I find myself hoping that Ronaldo gets on the end of it

Bloody Football