On the first day after Christmas
My true love and I had 
A terrible, terrible argument 
And in tempter 
She threw a variety of pots 
And pans at me, 
so I strangled the
Partridge and burnt down the
Pear tree that my true love, 
My true love gave to me.

Things didn’t get any better 
By the end of the second day
When she started 
throwing plates at me 
like boomerangs
And so, in a vicious frenzy
I took out an axe and stabbed
The two turtledoves 
That my true love, 
My true love gave to me. 

On both of the 3rd 
and the 4th days
My true love graduated 
To throwing grenades
And rockets at me
As I poisoned the French horns
And borrowed next-door’s cat
To say hello to the four calling birds
That my true love,
My true love gave to me.
 
Things would you believe it
Got worse over the next few days
So I pawned off the five golden rings
And stamped on the eggs
Of the six geese a laying 
And kicked the sevens swans
A swimming in the head
All over the living room
That my true love,
My true love gave to me. 

By the time we got to the 8th day
Our household resembled 
A battlefield with 
Trenches dug deep 
Between the TV and Sofa
And I won’t mention 
What I did to the 
Eight maids a milking
That my true love,
My true love gave to me. 

I bundled up the nine ladies dancing
Ten lords a leaping
Eleven pipers piping 
Into a large package 
(Cut to little
bloody pieces)
And posted them back
Returning the special delivery
That my true love,
My true love gave to me.

The neighbours
Only called the Police
On the 13th day
When the twelve drummers drumming
Were found massacred 
All over the front lawn
Their drumsticks neatly arranged
On the grass, spelling out..

Well, let’s just say
It certainly didn’t say I love you.