bridget
if i could
wish you back
i'd sit you down
in the same chair
by the range
that flecks
its warmth
awash the room
where i sit
lower than you
sunken back
drinking lemonade
as we watch
the faded picture
of your old
tv set
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darren thomas
Tue 23rd Jun 2009 09:46
I'll tell you what. You've drank some fizzy pop!
I see you with a grandmother/auntie?
These short poems rely heavily on a really profound statement or a revelation right at the end.. They're held together with their determiners which can really reinforce what it is we're trying to say.
"as we watch
the faded picture
of your old
tv set"
OR
as we watch
a fading picture
from an old
tv. ?
As its currently written, it could be construed you are watching (or looking) at a 'photograph' of an old tv. Unlikely, I know - but possible.
The word 'set' is acting like a cork. It's obstructing the phonology of the vowel sound 'veeeee' and not allowing it to float away. That's how I read it anyway!
I remember you said you were a 'lousy' poet Emily. If I can use an unpoetic phrase here. EJM a lousy poet? My arse.