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AT THE END

The two tone tram came to a stop

at Sheffield Lane Top

in a bright smoky haze

on one of those extraordinary days

that we take for granted

when nothing much is expected to happen

except for moments of history.

 

Jack Braithwaite leaves his tram's controller

to reverse the rows of slatted seats

and sees a passenger against the glass

head crooked forward where the framing meets.

 

Quite soon he sees the man is dead

has gone to the terminus

right to the end.

His life ran out with blunted rails

the mist revealing his awkward bend.

 

A tiny bible lay on the seat

a mute companion against the wood.

Jack thought then how like a church

his tram stood out upon that day

with the fateful ticket upon the floor

as the shell of a life stood in his way.

 

◄ SPEAK LOW

LOVE TRIANGLE ►

Comments

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Thu 10th Sep 2015 16:43

Huge improvement. Glad I came back. Always listen to Laura. BTW, I thought 'except for moments of history' was superb.

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Laura Taylor

Thu 10th Sep 2015 14:26

Oooo now see - THAT works. That fits beautifully, makes sense, sounds wonderful, feels poetic, and doesn't pull the reader up into 'what the..?' territory.

Nicely done :)

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Laura Taylor

Wed 9th Sep 2015 11:45

Great story with some nicely spaced out rhymes.

'forward pull' though - is that terminology or just to make it scan better? I'm not a fan of awkward parsing just to make it fit.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Wed 9th Sep 2015 10:56

A very good story well told. Great ending.

In the second stanza would you consider changing the line
'to notice etc.' to 'and notices ...' or 'and sees...' to remove two consecutive lines starting with 'to'. A very small point, for sure, but perhaps valid, despite rigid rules from 'experts'.

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