The Struggle
When you come to me
problems on a plate
tears in eyes looking
to me desperately for
some miraculous reply
I cannot give
do you forget
that I too struggle
with how to live?
Comments
O.K. Consider, just for interest:
When you come to me
problems on a plate
with tears in your eyes
looking to me
desperately
for some miraculous reply
that I cannot give
do you forget that I too
struggle with how to live.
IMO, sometimes the message needs brutal diction, not softened with pretty words like 'wetness glistening your eyes'. It is only a shared thought open to discussion. You may well argue back that contrast is equally your message, and your deliberately chosen words are in character with the other party. I can see that too.
Brief and forceful.
Would you ever consider some words that are short-syllabled? Leaving others with more syllables to have a stronger 'voice' by contrast? Kind of like water over a brook full of uneven stones, causing the flow to make actual music. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?
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Helen Elliott
Thu 21st May 2015 22:31
Natalie, I really like this. It is very powerful and made me stop to question certain aspects of my own life. Great stuff.