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Silly Mistakes.

Actions have consequences. 
And what appeared to be a meaningless drop,
Falling, piercing the surface of that translucent facade,
Has rippled into waves of despair,
Echoed by our refractive remorse.

I was holding you over that cliff,
Calm water below,
Connected by our mental strands,
A thin rubber band; keeping us connected.
How precariously balanced we were.
Until I gave you unneeded doubts-
Which weighed You down,
And so we watched that band,
Stretch. In a splitting second.

And as you looked into my passionless eyes,
I hope you saw our emotional demise.
And with that, snap! You were gone.
And I was left, face stinging,
A reminder of what we’d tried to hold together,
Since our beginning  

◄ How it is

Natural Addiction ►

Comments

<Deleted User> (13762)

Sat 18th Apr 2015 19:22

Cheers for your coms Charlie. I see you made a couple of changes. It doesn't necessarily detract from your initial emotion at the time of writing to look back and make alterations. More often than not a few careful changes will strengthen rather than detract. Replacing 'remorseful' with 'passionless' avoids the repetition of what I would call a 'big' word within a fairly short piece. Not that there's anything wrong with repetition, it's certainly part of my style, but some words can sound clunky when repeated. Same with end of line rhymes. I try to avoid anything too obvious but if I get stuck I'm happy checking out rhymezone.com for help (am I allowed to say that?) Thanks for liking the 'short but giddy rhythm' in my piece, I'm glad you found it, sometimes it's hard to come by. Looking forward to reading some more of your lines. x

<Deleted User> (13762)

Thu 16th Apr 2015 18:55

Hi Sharlie, I kinda like your theme here although maybe it gets a little lost in the middle. Perhaps cutting a few words would help, pare it back and make them count. 'Refractive remorse' / 'remorseful eyes' with 'emotional demise' doesn't work for me. 'Tired' is a typo? I'm no expert so feel free to kick back at me. x

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