Donations are essential to keep Write Out Loud going    

Note: No profile exists for this entry - most likely it was deleted.

Blow Me

Tired, jaded

your pick-up lines need a pick-me-up

tequila,

lime,

salt,

shot,

through

the 

roof

of

your

drooping

mouth

as you sit, one

with the faded couch

drab, all color drained

out with repeated wash

cycles

curtains drawn,

lines drawn on your face

as you strain

in a dusty room, cardboard boxes

of Penthouse

dog-eared from years of thumbing

yellowed, stained

teeth, grinding

seeking release

pent up

all those Penthouse

years

 

 

 

◄ Us/We

Idols ►

Comments

Preeti Sinha

Sat 21st Mar 2015 14:01

Your suggestions are so welcome, Pat, Stefan and Ken ! Thank you so much :)

<Deleted User> (6895)

Sat 21st Mar 2015 00:31

please excuse us Preeti,but felt compelled to point out that repetition is the basis for MANY poetic forms.The use of repetition can HEIGHTEN the emotional impact of a piece.Repetition of a sound,syllable,word,line,stanza or metrical pattern,is a basic unifying device in.....

all poetry!

thanks Preeti if you choose to keep the changes we suggested and no problems whatsoever if you prefer kenneths instead.xx

Kenneth Eaton-Dykes

Fri 20th Mar 2015 21:58

Excellent poem Preeti

In your eagerness to blogg, agreeing with Stephan and patricia, when editing you fail to notice the repetition of faded, and what could have been for example "sitting jaded on the threadbare couch"

I've made this mistake many times. But I'm learning.

Keep 'em coming.

ken

Preeti Sinha

Fri 20th Mar 2015 16:05

Thank you ! Will change it for sure !

<Deleted User> (6895)

Fri 20th Mar 2015 15:36

we love this Preeti.What do you think about-'YOU SIT FADED on the faded couch' ?
&
'teeth GRINDING? xx

If you wish to post a comment you must login.

This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.

Find out more Hide this message