Ray Charles 0553 (02/28/2015)
11 hours ago
>ugh
>totally overdid it
how
>drank way way way way
>way
>too much
uh oh
lil puki?
>not right now
>like
>i was passed out at about midnight
>apparently flew into a rage and broke a bunch of stuff in my room and threw up on the floor
>all while the party raged on
>from which i am glad there is little to no collateral damage
>to be and feel that alone again, i'm glad i'm drunk as i was so i couldn't really do anything or say anything of consequence
>i remember waking up and reading "don't die pls" from one of my roomates and wanting to say back something like "i've been dead for >years"
>fucking depress
>anyway, for round 2 tomorrow i probably won't drink anything
>not a great night
what kind of comforting do u want
i could compare situations
or just listen
>i don't want any
or offer advice
>i don't deserve any
shut up of course you do
we all want to be loved
>it's my fault and this is my problem
once, on new years eve, i got slighted by this guy i didnt even really like
but i got so lonely that i went into a drunken freak out
cut myself
broke EVERYTHING breakable in my house
all the mugs, all the plates
picture frames
even lifted up the back lid of the toilet and threw it at the bowl
smashed it
the entire place was full of shards
and then after the freak out wore off
i saw what i'd done
and decided the only way i could explain it away was to kill myseelf
so i took a bunch of pills
only i knew i wouldnt die
and when my crying roommates woke me up
id dint "wake up" for another five minutes
so theyd think i was dead or in a coma
and when the ambulance came all i could say was "im sorry"
so i mean, i dont "win" or anything
but i have been where you are
and me humiliating myself by telling you this is my only way of comforting you
because that kind of behaviour is human
>ray charles
>ray charles
>this is literally the saddest thing i think anyone has ever told
>me
>my first instinct is to say 'i love you' so you don't have to feel that way ever again
well thank you, that makes me cry a little that youd respond like that
well thank you, that makes me cry a little that youd respond like that
>i'm right on the edge, myself
but i mean i dunno
i dont know where all the rage and sadness even came from
i was just so sick of being rejected
>maybe the fact that you didn't even like him that much really set you off
>you set them to a second or third place in your head
>and they don't even end up wanting you
>makes you feel real cheap
>made me feel real cheap, anyway
>someone was supposed to come meet me tonight at this party
>before everyone left
>never showed up. was with some other boy that i know she's going to pick over me. consciously I've long since accepted that since I've seen >them together unconsciously it makes me fucking scream
>i was hoping, i'm sure, that she'd stop me. i was hoping that anyone would stop me
>just tell me "hey, you probably don't need another beer you fucking goof, you've had enough to drink"
>but here we are
>it's a good thing my phone's not working, neptune. i don't know what kinds of phonecalls I'd make.
>you know?
man, i want you to try to step away from the shame for a moment
we ALL have nights like that
>i'm too old to keep having nights like that
and i hate to silver lining it cause that is lame but i mean
it couldve been much worse
you couldve smashed shit in the kitchen
or yelled at someone
or hurt someone or something
and i bet even if u did that your friends would forgive u
cause u have solid friends
>i do
>y're right i do
>you're one of em
>you're one of them and i miss you and i wish i could lean on you right now
>for real
>just to feel your fingers in my hair and fill that massive hole with a simple gesture of telling me, quietly, that it's going to be okay
dude
boundaries remember
but that is a nice image ill give u that
>it's not like
>it's not like a romantic thing
ok ok the fingers in hair threw me off
but i should shut the fuck up and be nice!!!!!!!!!!! FOR ONCE
IN MY LIFEEEEEEEEE
>it seems that way but it's not a romantic thing
>not like all those letters I stuff into your internet mailbox
>just human contact, sort of thing
>it's hard to explain
>hard to explain the difference i mean. right now it's hard to explain anything
>it's all fucking loose feelings. no matter how much caffeine i drink i don't think i could offset the night
it will pass
please, know that
you have to trust yourself to get over this
be gentle with yourself
it's just a dark night of the soul
>seems like we've switched seats doesn't it
i guess
and i am relieved that on the other side i am not weirded out or judgey
as i feared you were
>you can't be so sincere if you're weirded out or judgemental
>i'm glad you know
yeah im good at that
im a good person,r ight?
i need to realize that
it's important to my progress
it's important to me
it just never sticks in my head
it's my worst fear
that i am actually a bad person
rotten on the inside
>yes, you are a good person as long as you want to do good things
>you're pretty far from rotten on the inside -- you're pretty close to beautiful
>but maybe my telling it to you makes it harder to see it for yourself
yeah im starting to know that
i mean i have these bad thoughts
but i feel like..there was this quote
"your initial reaction is what you were conditioned to feel. your thoughts afterward are what define you as a person"
so these intrusive thoughts are not who i am
it's helpful
>everybody's got feelings -- that knee jerk reaction to pain and flame
>the quote's right, you're right, it's what you do with them that matters
im so t ured
tired
im falling asleep sitting here
>me too, b
>let's go to sleep
i rly need to go to bed i havent slept in maybe 35 hours now
>goodmnight ok
ok
Chat Conversation End
Marie-Anne Marten
Sat 7th Mar 2015 23:08
I strangely just had that exact conversation in my head while reading what you wrote. With another imaginary/actual person. Great feeling, precise in its absolute.