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Afterwards

 

Asleep,
So soon?
How quietly
You breathe.
How almost
Imperceptible
The gentle rising
Of your breasts

Outside
The trees
Are absolutely still.
And motionless
Wide continents of cloud
Have hidden the moon.
Somewhere
The murmur
Of a pebbly stream
Croons continuously 
While, from afar,
Muffled along a lonely motorway,
The sound of a passing traveller
Purrs,
Then fades.

Gazing
Through the shadows
At your face,
I  try to guess
What dreams might be
That tiptoe
With such decorum
Through such peace.
Until, 
Lulled by your quiet breathing,
I lay back
And close my eyes
And fall to....

(But just before I fell to sleep I swear
That the tall, gaunt, Guardian of the dark
Drew back the clouds, blew out the moon and stars
And, looking down, smiled on us for a moment
................................................Then crept away) 

◄ For my love on Valentine`s day

Precipice ►

Comments

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Harry O'Neill

Sat 21st Feb 2015 13:37

Travis,
good spot...fixed it...thanks.

Graham,
I agree about the `me` bit...turfed it..thanks.
(But I think the end bit `fits`).

John,
whilst agreeing with you about the joy of a hearty, prolonged, soul-satisfying fart at any time usually, you`ve got to admit - it does rather spoil
the ambience a little...`afterwards`.

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Graham Sherwood

Sat 21st Feb 2015 10:42

Lovely piece Harry. I didn't need the last paragraph at all and rather think it spoils the flow of the main work.

I would change one of the two "such's" too. I lay back would improve I lay me back I think.

Good work Harry

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John Coopey

Fri 20th Feb 2015 23:00

You some kind of 21st century, in-touch-with-your-feminine-side pooftah, Harry?
When I've done it I just want to fart, roll over and go to sleep. You know - man stuff.

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Harry O'Neill

Fri 20th Feb 2015 20:58


Thanks all for the kind comments...especially those humorous ones...(Ken, `every night`?...if only, man, if
only :)...And, Jackie, those snores were pure bliss...
pure bliss!...cherish him, girl, cherish him!

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Jackie Phillips

Fri 20th Feb 2015 14:07

A beautiful poem again, thanks Harry. When I look down at my love asleep besides me I am afraid the loud snoring tends to dampen the magic somewhat. Still love him though, snores and all.

Kenneth Eaton-Dykes

Fri 20th Feb 2015 12:15

Hi Harry.

Lovely poem. Was it like that every night?

All I remember is gazing down at a head full of rollers with an open mouth, then waking with a sore rib cage after snoring too much.

When the tall guardian of the dark looked down on us two, he couldn't wait to blow the moon out.

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Laura Taylor

Fri 20th Feb 2015 09:24

Oo I like this. The title's great for a start. Feels a little voyeuristic, and this may sound a bit strange but it feels like we're there with you. I like how you've phrased the different sounds we become aware of when it's just us awake.

The ending is surprising - a quick shock of possible mortality, and then...gone. 'Pebbly stream' :)

Nice one Harry :)

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Ian Whiteley

Thu 19th Feb 2015 23:00

great stuff Harry - love the lilting pace and structure of the piece and then that turn in mood and line length at the end that shocks and then calms. really good mate

Travis Brow

Thu 19th Feb 2015 06:55

I like this Harry; ''...Wide continents of cloud...''; nice line. Should ''Continuously'' in the second stanza have a capital letter?

<Deleted User> (13516)

Thu 19th Feb 2015 01:33

This is lovely Harry :)

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