Shipwreck

I liked the look of you 

unpolished I suppose

and as long as you didn't impose yourself

I was happy to spend some time well

I had repelled so many boarders 

I met each friendly quip

with a curl of my lip 

to make sure this ship sailed on alone

It took a long time to trust you 

to adjust to every day 

yes every day I'd ask myself 

how I felt about you did I love you

did I even like you but so many said

you should he's good and besides boys need a father

I should rather have steered a course away 

but one day you convinced me 

your arms were a safe harbour

after that it got harder

to stop you trying to control me

build walls around me 

was it to keep me in or to stop others getting past

how did I let myself be tied to the mast 

caught fast whilst you took command 

steady as she goes captain

but I wasn't ready to throw in my hand so

you lied to me you lied about me 

but you never lied for me 

would never die for me

you had burned your boats now I burnt mine

sink or swim was all that was left for me to do

swim against the tide and away from you

better to die on your feet

than to live on your knees 

I couldn't listen to anyone's pleas 

I was swept onto the rocks and I survived

to refloat later on a high tide and sail on

the harder you try 
to hold on to someone 
the more
you can be sure
you'll lose them 
in the end

◄ Anniversary

Freedom of Thought ►

Comments

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Judi Strega

Wed 24th Dec 2014 06:14

Thank you, Graham and Laura for taking the time to help me with your comments and yes, Laura, I had missed the 'to', thanks. I hope to get time to look at it, consciously, and see what might be needed. As a performance piece, it is written on my heart and all changes will take some chiselling!

Nothing daunted, I'm about to stuff a turkey, serve Christmas lunch a day early and go present distributing amongst 3 of my 6 so Shipwreck must wait. Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

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Graham Sherwood

Thu 18th Dec 2014 12:41

I would have liked some shorter lines here and there and the couple of times successive lines rhymed threw me a bit too.

A great piece of writing though using sailing/boating terms to document a relationship.

well done Judi!

regards,

Graham

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Laura Taylor

Wed 17th Dec 2014 11:28

Yes, a courageous and cathartic piece of writing this, and one which I think many people would identify with. I looked at it briefly the other day - I think you might have tightened it up since then as it scans a lot better now.

Couple of things:

The line "sink or swim was all that was left for me do" - is there a 'to' missing in between 'me' and 'do'?

Punctuation - this is a contentious point, but over the years I have come to really believe in punctuation in poetry, as a guiding tool, just as it is in every other form of written communication. May be worth playing around with it in this. If you perform it, you already know where your commas (pauses) are etc.

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Judi Strega

Tue 16th Dec 2014 20:53

Thank you, Alexandra and Cynthia for your positive comments. I will try, Cynthia, to trim the sails.

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Mon 15th Dec 2014 19:53

Judi, this is very good, and brave, and obviously personal. Now I would look at it as a piece of 'art work', and bring all your skills of writing to bear on 'trimming its sails', keeping the POW factor with the very best images, lines, phrases etc. You offer a strong connection to your readers, and that is a gift.

Always with respect.

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Alexandra Parapadakis

Sat 13th Dec 2014 17:02

Wow, I really like this. Flows so well! Some really great phrases in here too e.g.

'your arms were a safe harbour',



'you lied to me you lied about me

but you never lied for me

would never die for me',



'better to die on your feet

than to live on your knees '

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Judi Strega

Sat 13th Dec 2014 16:52

I have 'performed' this three times now, the last occasion being at my Writing Group's meeting. Each time it gets a little easier to say the words without losing the all-important emotion. This is the bravest poem I've written - far harder, for me, than painting a self-portrait, so here it is, warts and all!

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