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Mindful Bath

The water trickles from one tap,

blasts from the other; bubbles

build on one side only then

lonely, they meander over

to join the others fusing together

in oily kaleidoscopic clusters.

 

I lie beneath the clouds and steam

thrusting hands between slick

millions reflecting prickled surfaces

bouncing rainbows off porcelain.

 

And try to clasp my hands together;

layers repelling vivid auras

bouncing crystal balls between.

◄ It Is What It Is

Eating Elephants Whole with Chopsticks ►

Comments

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Laura Taylor

Thu 6th Nov 2014 10:53

Hi Natalie

Sorry about the delay in replying - had a mad weekend last weekend and just catching up now.

You have my sympathies - I have struggled with punctuation since I first started with poetry, and still do sometimes. I actually refused to use full stops for the longest time because I thought they looked ugly :D :D

Weston - thing is, if you're going to use SOME punctuation, then shouldn't you use all of it? It confuses the reader sometimes, although I totally take what you mean. In my latest, I've deliberately fucked about with punctuation. Fickle? Moi? ;)

Anyhoo - I'd put a comma after the first line, and a full stop after the last line, second stanza - for consistency's sake. The rest is perfect. It looks way better without all lines capitalised too (and I used to do that too haha so I'm not being all superior or owt ;) )

Ha - no worries on 'steam' :D

This is now a totally gorgeous poem! :)



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Weston Parks

Tue 4th Nov 2014 13:36

Just my opinion, but I think that these issues of punctuation and phrasing should come down to the style and art of the poet. After all, what is not pleasing to one reader may be pleasing to dozens more. We write to please our readers and because something inside us needs to get out. There is plenty of room for bending the rules, and many different sets of rules.

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Mikhail Smith

Fri 31st Oct 2014 18:58

.. google's wrong .. there's no such thing as 'off of' .. that's the USA trying to destroy the English language .. I would've put 'rainbows of porcelain' ..

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Mikhail Smith

Fri 31st Oct 2014 17:12

.. do you mean .. 'bouncing rainbows off porcelain' .. or .. 'bouncing rainbows of porcelain' ... you can't have both ...



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Laura Taylor

Fri 31st Oct 2014 16:14

This is sumptuous. Some wonderful soundscapes in there and so evocative.

Slightly marred for me though, if you don't mind me saying, in that your punctuation is inconsistent, and you are starting every line with a capital letter. It jars on the eyes.

And did you mean to say steam, rather than stream?

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