First Elvis McGonagall, now Luke Wright has entered the debate about Scottish independence. The English performance poet’s tongue-in-cheek contribution, on the Spoken Words section of the Guardian website, comes in the form of advice from a toff on why it’s better to stay together.

In a piece that conveys the air of having been filmed inside Balmoral, Wright praises the Scots: “We’re huge, huge fans of what you do / Haggis, sporrans, yes, well done you … Your Highland jigs, your heart disease / Your Orkney with its dearth of trees …”

The English aristocrat plays up his Scottish roots: "My family owns some land in Fife. / Well, most of Fife ... " The cheery “Stick with us, we know best” message concludes with the warning: “But if you ever make the split / you’ll fail, and we’ll make sure of it. Chin-chin!”