8 months

Is the longest I've been able to go without sex since I was 16

I stood frozen, mind racing a mile a minute

Trembling as the truth set in

I was unable look away

As memories replayed themselves like movies in the mirror

New characters and slightly different scenario in each one,

But the plot was always the same

Has always been the same

Since that time when I was 14 and stupid

And the realization that I was naive and weak hit me

That I wasn't as hip to the game daddy's been warning me about for as long as I can remember

I can remember,

All the times I saw the game for what it was and still lost

Still ended up with the short end of the stick

Cuz learning a lesson once or twice has never been enough for me

 

 I was 16

When shame coated my skin smooth like baby lotion

When denial became my best friend because when no didn't get through to him,

 I didn't fight back,

Laid there as if I wanted it cuz my screams and cries never manage to make it out of my head

 

To this day,

He'll never know what he took from me

That I credit him with laying the foundation of the walls around my heart that grow higher and higher with every man I sleep with

 

I was 17

When I perfected my mask and began the slow process of killing my emotions

Buried them so deep I was surprised

That my jerk of an ex was able to make me cry

Was mad more at myself than at him

Cuz I should have known better than trust any man who wasn't family

 

The damage he did to my self esteem

Was the beginning of the end of the girl I used to have pride in

She disappeared slowly and I didn't do anything to stop it

Cuz I couldn't handle the things she felt

The tears she cried hoping someone would save her

Or if that was too much, just listen

But I couldn't allow that

Couldn't let anyone see how dirty I was on the inside

How disgusted and sad and stupid I was

So I drowned that poor girl in her useless emotions and became someone new

 

Someone numb, and hard

Who seemed sweet and innocent to everyone who didn't care enough to look beyond the surface

I was 18

When I found kindred spirits who could see right through me

Who loved me despite my  weird quirks and lent me their strength

Who gave me shoulders to cry on as they worked their way around barriers meant to keep out fake friends and shady dudes

They became my sisters

Watched me break and helped pick up the pieces of me I tried to get rid of

They helped me grow

And words can't express how much I love them for that simple thing alone

 

But

Even they can't know how every sexual assault lecture I have to sit through takes me back in time to that weak 16 year old girl

Who thought she couldn’t say no

Who thought she lost that right after allowing too much too soon

And since she didn't scream, he didn't really rape her

That silly 17 year girl

Who was determined to use them before they could use her

As if in the end she could control and reject the pain every notch on her belt cost her

That reckless 18 year old girl

Who was numb and unfeeling

 Used freshman year as an excuse to be a hoe

That 19 year old girl,

Who grew up and changed her ways

But still couldn't seem to make it longer than 8 months with no lover

 

This 20 year old girl

Who is just now realizing that until she can forgive herself for being too trusting and naïve,

 She'll never be truly happy

Or intimate with any man

That the shame will never go away

And that careless asshole will always have power over her

That the lessons she's learned

And the woman she's becoming

Will never go longer than 8 months with no new lover

I have to learn how to forgive

And how to truly

Let go