The Mind F***er


I sit there. My hands are shaking and my brain is in so many sections....

like a shattered mirror whose pieces never fit quite right anymore...

I never wanted to go into the A&E but he and she said I should else something bad occurs.

I go... bitter and twisted about the experience, but I go.

I sit waiting in the reception. I'm scared and I'm worried about those people who surround me.

Drunk smell waves through the halls of the Royal Free. Apparently Normal for that time of night.

I get called in and the check up begins before i'm placed in a holding area. They say it's for my protection

but I think they're doing it because us crazy people shouldn't be around you normals.

I'm walked through to the room where the crisis team sit, not giving a shit. They're getting paid no matter the result of their mind fuckery.

I tell my story. That of having a mental illness so deep that it's distorts the perceptions of reality, the brutality of BPD inside of me hurts like a knife digging into my mind.

I catch, out the corner of my mind the mind fucker giggling and grinning. Making me more scared.

This is the man who is supposed to help me and here he is belittling me and making me feel so so low

I wanna blow, leave, go. Whatever the young people say these days.

I go home and I cry. I may not show it on the outside but my brain is flooding with tears so much that the driest deserts would soon become oceans.

Even now, right now in front of you, I'm not well.

I'm scared. I'm nervous.

I'm breaking down..... my story of how my brain hates me, berates me. But fates me to a life of

CBT, therapy and Medi.....cation.

Hesitation as I downed the Citalopram, brain goes BLAM!..... I sleep.

The next day, I look in the mirror and I see my reflection laughing at my attempt to help myself

Oh... you really think it's that easy to get rid of me?”

I realise it's my BPD talking to me...


oh well... till we do battle again my friend...



"2 AM" ►


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Sun 15th Dec 2013 21:44

Hello Aaron, yeah I really feel for you in this piece. I have been that man too whom has presented himself at A & E when I have been severely unwell. I suffer from PTSD and have a diagnosis of Schizophrenia. And yes, fully understand how you feel about those that are said to treat us. I have been a revolving door patient now for near on twenty years, and still there seems no cure in sight. Theses mental illnesses are perhaps the worst type of suffering a human being can go through, as it degrades you like no other illness. In the main most of those I have come into contact with, do want to cure, but there are some who shouldn't be in the care team of the psychiatrist, who in honesty may not hold the answer to well being. I guess it's about coping mechanisms, and learning to live with it as best you can. It's something that may take a lifetime, for a lifetime of abuses experienced, but until the world changes that's who it will always be.

I have tried to take my life several times because of these maladies, and as for normal people, please take solace that they don't have the brain power you have, and are for all intents and purposes, dumbed down; for it is said that those suffering from Mental Disorders use more brain than that of so called normal people. I guess, having a higher than average intellect is just as much a handicap, as those born with severe impairment of the brain.

Hey, it takes time, but life does get better.

Please believe that. I sit now, even with all my suffering, and frequent attempts at suicide, with a wonderful wife, and two children to my name who we both adore. It's not easy living with Mental Ill Health, but there are still those out there who do not judge you badly for your suffering, despite only gaining attention when someone who has mental ill health, kills someone else. We are in the main painted in a bad light, but, we feel more than others, for we truly know suffering, we truly know the unfairness and degradation of human spirit. It is an experience, one that i wouldnt want my children to suffer. And to that end, I am bringing them up with all the love I didn't have as a child, for that in essence, is where it all stems from.

Best wishes and much love to you.



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