The moonlight shadow
unfolds across your furrowed brow
while you contemplate your face
in the mill pond glaze.
You cast your line and wait.
An owl calls, interrupting your nostalgia
and stalling your train of thought
that chugs by all too often in your twilight years.
The rain falls,
rippling your face in the pond
as a vole scampers by your feet,
ignoring the moonlight shine.
Too late,
the owl silently swoops,
scooping his prey
for his meal of the day.
Yeh, I like the contemplative nature of it too.
Few comments:
Is there a reason why you start all of your lines with a capital letter? I was asked this by a certain Ray Miller once upon a time, and I replied that I liked how it looked, but then after a while, I realised that it messed with the reader's understanding, that a capital letter indicates the start of a line. Worth having a think on that.
Also - is that a typo, with the double 'you' in the 3rd line, 1st verse?
I'm not entirely sure you need that last verse - I think the poem would suffice without that.
Cheers Mike - enjoyable read
<Deleted User> (6895)
Tue 23rd Oct 2012 11:20
Although we partly agree with S.V.
(no rhyme intended)
this poem still works nicely on the whole
according to our 'umblest of opinions.
Best regards to you Mikey.xx
Nice and contemplative. I like the mill pond glaze. I think I'd prefer it without the little rhymes bobbing up every now and again.
This one seems to be there for the rhyme only
But you don't respond
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Julian (Admin)
Tue 23rd Oct 2012 19:52
it has the makings of a good 'un. I'd drop the conjunctions, to tighten it, especially all those <as>.
I agree about finishing on penultimate verse, and you could try ending on the word <supper>.
Brows do seem doomed to be forever furrowed.