Vertigo #2

With each panic attack,

I disassemble,

I break apart,

like glass slivers,

I am falling all around

 

There is a crowded bus ride ahead,

an elevator door closing behind,

5 o’clock traffic and all it’s stillness

waiting

The train with it’s voice letting me know that once again,

“the doors are now closing”

 

I find you there, every time,

 

Standing above me

6ft’ 4”

shoulders wide

Hands once again around my neck

Your body, heavy upon me

pushing yourself against me

 

How queer it must have been to you,

these unshaven legs,

legs that remind you of hatred

 

that remind you that I will never be yours

and that every women you hurt in this way

will slip further away from you

each time you turn them

into shattered glass

 

Is this your only way to make us remember you?

 

I am once again trapped under you

 Unable to breathe

To catch my breathe

To slow my heart

 

I can not push you off

or shake the hand shaped bruises

that you left that night for me to carry

 

I have been carrying them ever since

 

You see, I have tried so many things since then,

 arnica oil never seems to penetrate deep enough,

drinking only cost me money,

I tried to fuck the pain away,

Therapy,

Medication,

Love

and still

it never seems to be enough

 

and these bruises,

they only glow brighter when I turn off the lights

 

so, on many nights I sleep with the lights on

 

I stay wide awake

Waiting up until dawn

 

Her light filling me in

Patching me up,

like a broken window

 

I’m all blown out.