Listen, I'm going to let you into a secret

I did it when I was 15!

 

Yeh, I know some of you will be shocked and think

I was a bit naive to get stung.

But some of my mates had been doing it since they

Were 13 and 14 and they started taunting me...

I felt out of it.

And I knew some of the girls in our class had been at it

Since they were 12!

 

I was sort of enticed into it you could say

By someone with a lot of experience.

But I suppose if you're going to do it,

You might as well find things out

From someone with a bit of knowledge.

 

But to be honest, at first

It didn't do anything for me.

Didn't ring any bells, tingle any toes

Float any boats and all those cliches.

 

I stuck at it though, cos....

Like I said I didn't want to feel

Left out and missing something.

Anyway, I eventually got to improve

And started feeling more confident in what I was doing.

 

Since then....

 

I've done it in

The kitchen, the lounge,

The bedroom, naked - in front of the mirror,

The conservatory, with the blinds open and the fan on.

(Well - you need that because you can get a sweat on!)

Outside, on the decking, in the sun, under the pergola

With plenty of cream on so that

You don't burn your back, neck, legs and shoulders.

 

On occasions, to paint a picture in my mind

I like to close my eyes briefly, listen to music

And find a nice rhythm to the beat.

Sometimes starting with Ravel's Bolero or Barry White

And finishing off with the crescendo of

Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture

You know the one......with the canons booming.

 

I've done it sober, I've done it pissed

And I've tried  when I've been tired out

But I always try my best.

Sometimes though you feel a bit of a flop.

So when it's like that you might as well stop,

Slap it on the head, put it away, turn over,

Close your eyes

And go to sleep.

 

At times, to make it more interesting

And to give myself a bit of a challenge

I like to change hands now and again

First with my right, then with left

And....wait for it.... with both hands!

 

Yep!

But don't laugh, cos doing it that way can be difficult!

My glasses get steamed up! And I have to get a cloth

And wipe my spectacles! So I can keep going.

Cos, once I start ,

I always want to finishes things off!

 

I've also done it in lots of different locations

And countries like....

Australia, Spain, Italy, the Canaries,

All those warm climes.

There's even a couple of times

Of me doing it on DVD!

My mates had a good laugh

And took the piss out if my performances

Bastards!

Gave me 5 out of 10.

 

I must admit though....and I know this might shock you?

I've paid for it as well

Only once!

It was in Bangkok

I was tired out and was running late

And all I wanted was a quick job

Before I went to a business meeting.

But it was a waste of time

Not worth the money, turned out a right mess.

 

But you learn from your mistakes

Doing things on the spur of the moment

Especially when you're getting older.

You're best sticking to your tried

and tested methods.

 

But I'm getting to the point now

Of packing it all in

I might even have to pay for it all the time now.

I've come to the stage

Where my wrists are knackered and riddled

With arthritis and I can't do it properly anymore!

 

Cos, it's creasing me

All this ironing

I'm shagged out

And I've run out of steam!