Sugar Revolution

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Be my sugar 
My revolution
Bring me fruit in the dead of winter
 as tears roll from your face.
Be sweet rebellion on hot summer nights.
Burn messeges onto thick leaves
and press them hard against my bedroom window.
Stand naked under the naked moon
Be raw
Be real
Speak true
If you speak at all,
speak of all of you.
Tell me what it's like to be
when innocence still existed.
Be my revolution!
Make me stand up tall and ask questions
about that scar under your eye,
and I'll show you all of my personalities,
whether you want to see them or not.
Make me feel anything,
as long as I feel all of it.
and.... I will fall.....
 be my sugar.
Take me to the depths of darkness
and kiss me sweetly amongst the riots of firing cannons.
Softly lay upon my body in the night.
Open me up a new
Together we will bring new life in to this world,
and it will scream out
with life's sweet rebellion.
Be mine,
my blood and honey
that drips like water through the soil
spilling out 
to the creeks
to the rivers
and lakes
creating oceans
of voices speaking out all at once.
My Dear,
Be my sweet thing.
Fill me full of taffy
and sandy gun powdered popsicles
Be my sugar!
Be my revolution!
Be close.

contemporaryexperimentalfree formfree versepoetryword association

◄ She Knows

Questions I Never Asked ►


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Barbi Touron

Tue 21st Feb 2012 05:30

Thanks for the suggestions, spelling is not quite my forte, nor is typing. I do agree with you on the "bleed for me thing" happening way to much. I just really like blood. I think I will slowly keep editing this one until it feels more refined. Thanks your critic really helped. Cheers

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Gareth Writer-Davies

Mon 20th Feb 2012 19:09

I find this unusual-which is a good thing!SugarRevolution grabs you at once and you wonder what the hell's going on here and then it gets you and you get it, but the blood, not so sure, heard that "bleed for me" thing too often before. Agree with Glyn that a little editing would make this a fine poem. Love the forward motion; watch out for spelling mistakes!

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Barbi Touron

Mon 20th Feb 2012 08:32

Thank you so much for your critic, I'm really horrible at editing, but things just turn out all the better when you do. I'll give it a try. Thanks again you for being so very helpful. Best wishes

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Glyn Pope

Mon 20th Feb 2012 08:07

I like this and i want to read it again. In fact I have. But an initial reaction is that there is too much here. Rather like candy floss, there's too much sugar. I think editing out some lines could make it a much finer poem.

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