And the royalty are questioned, placed

in special measures. The Household Cavalry

shake and spray on popular street corners

and watch the kettles boil until seconded

overseas to bugger those who wished a burkha

made Her Highness less familiar.

 

Miss Camilla has been cautioned for frightening

the corgis and the treasurer’s been caught

holding uncharitable intentions;

Prince Phil must pull his finger out in Art

and Social Science or face endless

cocktail parties in the land of Bongo-Bongo.

 

There are murmurs of tomatoes selling memoirs

to the red tops and people in glass houses

throwing stones at modern buildings.

Her Majesty isn’t answering the calls

for her retirement or the bevy

of bookmakers at the portcullis.

 

The lads are worried! The stag night capers

have been captured and the video’s gone viral,

starring Bosnians, Bulgarians, champers

and black stockings. The Civil List arouses

nausea and nostalgia. But never

in equal measure: we are not in this together.