I was prospecting on the beach
Just hanging out and doing my thing
You look a nerd with a metal detector
So I've a magnet on a string
The sun was high and the waves were breaking
Sighing as they relaxed on the sand
And I felt real good, and lucky
With my lode-stone swinging in my hand
I'd found a couple of cans
And a handful of discoloured money
But then I felt the pull much stronger
I was drawn like a bee towards honey.
Could it be jewellery, a tiara?
Or a chest of Spanish doubloons
Perhaps an unexploded bomb
Hidden deep beneath the dunes
I tiptoed very carefully to the nearest row of deckchairs
And pinched a plastic spade
While they ate sandwiches, unawares.
I pinched a bucket too
And filled it from the sea
Well you can't be too careful
With a potential UXB
And then with a delicate sweeping motion
I brushed away the sand
But I screamed with fright
And ran with all my might
When I uncovered a human hand.
A thousand dark thoughts flashed through my mind
As behind an ice-cream van I cowered
Images of gangland killings
And corruption amongst the high-powered
Crimes of passion, jealous murder
Or a desperate suicide
And a body, battered and buried
To be exposed by the tide.
Nervously I returned
And my heart nearly popped out of my mouth
When I saw that the hand was moving
And frantically clawing to get out.
I hit it with the spade
But that had an adverse effect
Cos I heard a deep-throated growling
A subterranean voice sounding vexed.
The sand beneath my feet began to chum
A hole opened up in the ground
And slowly a figure emerged
In padlocks and chains it was bound
In fury it thrashed and roared
As it shook the grains from its hair
A cloud of dust spewed forth
From its dark and abysmal lair
I thought I'd awakened a monster
By generations of old banished below
And sank to my knees in dread
Awaiting the fatal blow.
In its anger the beast roared "Who are you?
And why have you disturbed me?"
I don't know what words I prayed
Or if God really heard me
But when I looked up to see my fate
I immediately felt much bolder
He was a skinny little runt
And only came up to my shoulder.
He could hardly stand up with the weight of his bonds
My fears were completely allayed
So I pushed him back into his hole
And hit him again with the spade.
He said "I didn't mean to scare you
Please accept my apologies
The name's Iron –man Mitchell
I'm a trainee escapologist."
He looked so pathetic I helped him back out
And he struggled to get himself free
He was desperately trying to pick his nose
Cos that's where he'd hidden the key
"So why are you called Iron man ?”
I said with a certain disdain
He said "Hit me, right there, and you'll see why"
So I did and he collapsed in pain
It turns out he'd been practising
For his first professional escape
Being chained up in quick-setting concrete
Wearing only y-fronts and cape.
I said "I'm not impressed by your posing
Your galvanised links and chubb locks
If you don't show some rapid improvement
You’ll end up a concrete block."
He took the hump, walked off and left me
No thanks, no reward, but I didn't mind
Because in his rush to get away
He left his watch behind.