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Death Doesn't Do Automated Doors.

Wednesday 30th November 2011 5:18 pm (first posted Tuesday 29th November 2011 4:52 pm)

I'm not
close enough
to activate
yet
close enough
to run,
to check.

Seeing
yet not seeing
the sparrow
nearby.

I never saw
the hawk.

You left
in little stages,
loose teeth,
cool fingers.
Cold,
I sang
most anything,
wondered
did you hear?

Feathered
cloak
sharp
talons
shriek
into
action.

I whisper
so softly
"survive."

One lives
one dies
and I felt

for both.

1st Version

Not close enough
to activate
near enough
to run,
to check.

A low
gurgle
threatens
the base
of my spine.

An orphan
of circumstance,
too young
for this
sees
yet doesn't see
the sparrow
close by.

Doesn't see
the hawk.

You left
in little stages,
loose teeth
cool fingers.
Cold,
I sang
most anything,
wondered
did you hear?

Feathered
cloak
sharp
talons
shriek
into
action.

I whisper
so softly
"survive."

One lives
ones dies
and I was pleased,

for both.

◄ Indian Kings

After a Long Day ►

Comments

Martin Peacock

Thu 8th Dec 2011 14:36

Me again: just read Dave's comment - sharp mind, that lad - and I agree: I'd love to hear this read out. With a candle under your chin and an eldritch wind blowing...

Martin Peacock

Thu 8th Dec 2011 14:34

Holy mo Stella this [2nd version] bowled me over. 'You left/in stages/in loose teeth/cool fingers' and 'Feathered/cloak/sharp/talons/shriek/into/
action'...what are you trying to do? Frighten the life out of me? Or into me?

Ray Miller

Wed 30th Nov 2011 17:04

I think you've got a really fine poem now and what you've done at the end

One lives
one dies
and I felt,

for both.

has made it even better - though you don't need a comma after felt.

Laura Taylor

Wed 30th Nov 2011 16:23

Well, I actually loved it as it was, but your prerogative to change it chuck.

Typo btw - should that be a singular 'one dies'? ou've got 'ones' at the mo.

Ray Miller

Wed 30th Nov 2011 15:27

The 5th verse is very good, as Isobel remarked.I think the poem could do without the 2nd and first half of the 3rd verse.Then you'd have something very striking, in my opinion.

Laura Taylor

Wed 30th Nov 2011 10:29

Outstanding Stella - really.

And what I love the most is that you noticed the sparrow and the hawk. Often I find myself looking intently at things happening around me, and I look at my fellow people, and they're all staring at their phones, or talking into them, or blithering about shite all to each other, totally missing all the real interesting stuff going on around them.

You noticed these birds, and that dynamic, right after your father's death, too.

This is a brilliant piece.

Dave Bradley

Wed 30th Nov 2011 09:42

The explanation really helps Stella. As Izz says, it would be interesting to hear this read. It can be hard to make short-line poems work in performance but this could be good. It certainly works on the page.

<Deleted User> (6315)

Tue 29th Nov 2011 22:35

Izz this was right after the death of my dad in St Johns Hospice, he recieved wonderful palative care...the thing with the sparrow and the hawk happened in a small rose bush right by the automated doors as I stood there.

It was indeed a very strange thing to experience.. xxx

Isobel

Tue 29th Nov 2011 21:11

I don't follow all of this Stella but I get that it is about the observation of death - the survival of the fittest and the death of the weak and the inability of the observer to have any influence.

I don't get why you are pleased for both - maybe it is because that is nature's way, maybe it's because death is not the ultimate evil in your books, maybe it has something to do with the people these birds represent, maybe I shouldn't want to know what it all means... I'm a devil for that!

You left
in stages,
in loose teeth
cool fingers.
Cold,
I sang
most anything,
wondered
did you hear?

That's my favourite bit - though I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the rest. I just love the way it flows and can imagine you reading it.

Tommy Carroll

Tue 29th Nov 2011 18:12

Restrained despair Stella. Restrained language mixed with fanciful imagery has me in mind of the (powerful) confusion of the film Pan's Labyrinth.

Tommy

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