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Matrimony Rap

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My old missus is a scary lady

She’s like Myra Hindley crossed with Ian Brady

Sits all night and channel-hops

Oxfam and Ebay are her favourite shops

Eats piccallilli, straight from the jar

Fell asleep and crashed the car

She knows where the wild things are

Her eyes are nothing like the sun

She never baked one single bun

Hardly ever ironed a shirt

Once sewed a third of a rah-rah skirt

She says my faults are only two

Everything I say, everything I do

She can recite them in a very long list

She can get violent when she’s pissed

She once saw the Shadows and threatened to nut Cliff

I think she’s related to Peter Sutcliffe

She’s like a magpie with purple wings

Flies round looking for shiny things

Sleepy hedgehog’s lyin in the road

Big lorry comin down, with a heavy load

Along comes my missis: stops it in its tracks

Makin sure the little hog can curl up an relax

While other people might be singin its dirge

It’s dreaming and curled up on the lush grass verge

Now I am not poor but I am not rich

But I still love that crazy bitch

I think she may be technically psychotic

But she’s 46 and her body’s erotic

 

If I was a beast I’d be a one-trick pony

But that is the essence of matrimony.

 

 

(feel free to start beat boxing or break dancing and stuff)

◄ An English Hairbag Foresees His Death

Drewton Tunnels ►

Comments

<Deleted User> (6315)

Sat 30th Jul 2011 14:22

ain't love grand?? :)

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Steve Rudd

Sat 30th Jul 2011 13:55

Hi thanks for all your comments, sorry I am a bit pushed for time today trying to finish something to a deadline so I haven't got time to answer each one individually, I don't know the Dave Carr poem, I will look it up, I have read this to my wife and no, that's not me under the stones (It's actually the trig point at the top of Ingleborough, IIRC)though it could easily be me under the patio since she used to be an avid fan of Brookside. Gotta go. Sorry. & Thanks again for yr kind words

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Dave Bradley

Sat 30th Jul 2011 13:03

Excellent. Reminiscent in places of a poem Dave Carr read out at the Tudor earlier this year (with his wife present!)

<Deleted User> (7212)

Sat 30th Jul 2011 11:06

Awwww!

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Ann Foxglove

Sat 30th Jul 2011 09:13

That's not you under that pile of stones is it Steve? True love described here, I feel!

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Jeff Dawson

Sat 30th Jul 2011 08:33

She speaks very highly of you! Nice one Steve, made me smile, good job you said the last few lines or there would be trouble! cheers Jeff

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