(Currently counting the ha'pennies my grandad gave me).

 

I know I’m a bit of a skinflint

I do the occasional bitchin’

I tell you though this takes the biscuit

Our Gert’s bought a brand new kitchen.

 

She said “I want rid of the old one”

Well this brought me quite close to tears

You see I’d built an attachment

We’d had it for 25 years.

 

She says, “Get shut of them cupboards”

She told me as they were no good

She wanted them made out of chipboard

She didn’t like them in wood.

 

She wanted to brighten the kitchen

To make it all airy and light

So out went the natural solid oak drawers

Now they’re all gleaming and white.

 

She swapped all the wall tiles for white ones

And gave all the old tiles the sack

With the theme of making it lighter

She then tiled the floor in matt black!

 

The sink unit was too old fashioned

It didn’t comply with her wishes

So now we have got a brand new one -

With nowhere to drain all the dishes.

 

A dishwasher’s next to be purchased

Her pocket was burnin’ and itchin’

Then a full set of plates, cups and saucers

All white so they matched the kitchen.

 

A kettle and toaster soon followed

Which were neither white nor black

But silver – just like the saucepans

One of which had to go back!

 

Of course the house filled with strangers

That’s craftsmen, all plying their trade

Each taking their hols in Barbados

On my money what they had made.

 

As I stood in the doorway watching

Just about ready to fume

She said “Shift out! We’re coming there next

To start that utility room.”