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Our Blanket beneath The Stars

 

Come crawl into my mind tonight,
invade my dreamscape with your scent,
bring some candles and some sweet warm oils
and cool, cool drinks for when we're spent.
 
We'll take a path through deepest woods
and spread our blanket beneath the stars
that twinkle gently as the canopy sways,
and contemplate how love moves up on Mars.
 
In our dreams we'll shake off all constraints
and behold just how we wish our ways to be,
such a very pleasing place for all concerned
guarantees us both pure peace and harmony...
 
©Rhumour
March 30th 2011

DreamsRomance

◄ No Jobs For A Man

Stacy's Mum ►

Comments

<Deleted User> (8943)

Mon 4th Apr 2011 23:27

Hello again Dave,

I hear what you're saying about forced rhymes and when all's said and done these are your words, my opinion is only one & I'm by no means an expert nor can we please everyone all the time ;)

Still think it's a lovely piece all the same. Blanket in the woods - definitely!

With respect,
Petrova.

<Deleted User> (9186)

Mon 4th Apr 2011 21:00

I like this poem it rolls along really well with no hidden agenda and is pleasing to my inner ear,if I can put it that way

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Dave D Poet Rhumour

Mon 4th Apr 2011 09:01

Interesting comment Petrova - I must say that Mars and stars would seem to make a perfect rhyme, whereas afar would be a little forced.... I would concede however that I'm not entirely happy with the last line, so that may yet be tweaked. :)
Best wishes, Dave

<Deleted User> (8943)

Sun 3rd Apr 2011 17:48

Hi Dave,

I read the first verse and thought, "yes please!"

The second I found wonderful too until "Mars", I'm bothered by the rhyme, I'd prefer to contemplate their beauty from afar.

The third verse is very wordy. doesn't flow as well as the first two, which have a gentle rhythm, though I appreciate the sentiments expressed.

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