A celebration of a friend's 50th Birthday with references too many to explain.

 

Many, many were the times

I've endured the pantomimes

Bordering on drunken crimes

Of this stupid milf;

But now the tables they are turned;

This opportunity I've earned;

A chance to shaft the Belle of Burn -

The crackpot that's Jill Wilf.

 

Oh joy, oh joy!  But where to start?

With such a foul-mouthed drunken fart

(Avoiding words like “Slapper”, “Tart”)

But why the hell should I?

No! Here's my chance – I'll take it now

If the rest of you allow

To denigrate the silly cow

(Just lacking in the udder!).

 

So let's consider those times when

You got drunk at our house, then

Someone drove you home again

To try to keep the peace;

Despite the other's loud appeal,

For a laugh you grabbed the wheel

And so my swerving Batmobile

Was followed by the police.

 

Those happy soirees we have sat

Enjoying all your witty chat

“Fucking this” and “Fucking that”

As on and on you'd rant;

On our step next day you'd be

How cute to call on Jude and me

By way of an apology

And bring a fucking plant.

 

At first we thought “How kind of you”

It was not such a ballyhoo

It's not something you need to do

As sheepishly you'd glance;

A second really was a boon

A third, a fourth but then we'd soon

Discover that our living room

Was full of fucking plants.

 

Then the time you had to stay

You didn't ask, but anyway

You took to bed and there you lay

As sick as any dog;

Jude thought that she had better fetch

A bucket so that you could retch;

Your arse was bare;  (I didn't lech -

Your head was down the bog).

 

There's someone quiet as a mouse,

Who's really good around the house,

Who'll turn his hand without a grouse

To plaster, point and paint;

So just a word about your Glen

In this sense bigger than big men

Displaying time and time again

The patience of a saint.

 

Sometimes these things got up his nose

But he would keep a quiet repose

As he witnessed all of those

Transgressions what you did;

He'd simply smiled at his petal

He could have cracked you with the kettle

He deserves a fucking medal

Like a dustbin lid.

 

But all of this I have to say

Is just the price we have to pay

“She's bonkers” all the others say

“Gets pissed and always will”.

Despite your drunken lunacy

I know I speak for Jude and me

We still enjoy your company

                       So Happy Birthday Jill.