All things considered,
applying logic and reason,
it’s a no brainer,
a dead cert
the right path,
the only path,
for you.
And so…
I’ll gently sift and sort your clothes,
fill too many cases,
snap too many locks,
push you to the future
like some ship to sea,
watch vapour trail disintegrate
through cloudless sky,
wave cheerily,
as champagne smashes
to an empty hull.
Lump in throat Isobel. Children are precious.
Cate xx
Thanks Carole - you are right about the mixed metaphors - it would be better if I stuck to just ships. The person this is about will one day disappear on a plane though, not a ship so I'll leave it in for now. I would re-jig it but I don't want to dwell on it any more - it's too depressing. x
thats nice , but i think you could lose the vapour trail disintigrate through cloudless sky cos it muddles the ship metaphor ( is metaphor the right word ?)
Hey Isobel, I really enjoyed this poem. Nice work. Keep writing and posting.
rgds
Michael
Poignant and touching...
I like this, Isobel, the last two lines are wonderful, except I think "on an empty hull" would be better. I also think the ship at sea imagery should be pursued to the bitter end, and
watch vapour trail disintegrate
through cloudless sky
disrupts this.
<Deleted User> (7164)
Thu 25th Nov 2010 10:43
Aw Isobel this feels so sad and yet there's a hint of needing to let go as well. A very compassionate piece and just a touch of 'ah well' with acceptance.
Nice :-)
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John Aikman
Fri 26th Nov 2010 17:44
Mixed metaphors aside...this made me sniff up a genuine tear. Sending them off into the wide blue yonder is awesomely...err, awesome. You are definitely getting more succinct...searching for the simplest, least cluttered metaphor...for me, that's real poetry. Fab!
PS I once said out loud in a meeting that we should 'Grab the bull by the nettles'....I sometimes think mixed metaphors can be fun! : )
Jx