Is any part of you ever at all sad?

 

Do not read this poem

Turn away your eyes; avert them; save yourself -- go do something to smash the patriarchy and 

forget

the thrashing

that lies therein

 

Do not read it and you will never know

            what a liar I am and how much I spin, weave, fabricate and manipulate

                     to pretend I am done and over you and stronger , much better off than I’ve ever been. 

 

Lies.

Don’t waste time here. Among Liars. Who detest lies and being made to lie.

It’s a pool without end of transactional tears and mud that does not balance firmness but oozes and sleeks unsteady in all and every crevice, no escape from slimy feeling slipping, seeping by

 

See?

Don’t read on, stop now,

It’ll only get worse

 

Never, ever do you miss me? Think on me? Wonder… Consider… Dream… curse?

 

Meeting you

Changed my life

It felt like coming home

One single moment of shared exchanging, fleeting soft murmurs

Moved whole mountains, melted down into a cloud

 

I floated back to my place, changed for all of time, awakened, in love, on my way home….

 

Seems impossibility

 how my home could be you and yet you merry on your way elsewhere

How can that be? Cognitive dissonance braying in cave echoes till even bats shiver

 

Broken, I am shattered in pretending I am not, no, no one knows, not one person breathing on earth, except for you, and you don’t want to know, I know

 

Here

Is how I heal then

 

I was made for happiness, my body made to be touched and celebrated, never shamed, blamed or envied, none! It’s just me, in joy, living and glad to be alive! I survived such nightmares.                                             Beauty is so often only bitter betrayal in the end

 

Forced to march a path of survival, covering, walking tall for fear I’ll fall down, hiding, too proud, disguising, masking, pretending, whatever needed to survive madness, fury, pain, shame, abuse, assault, degradation, terror, hate

 

That

was my past path. Forgetting, I think I am still walking it; yesterday I sat in one of many silent hot tubs, fireside, in a light mist, among the wealthy, gifted to me, and I realized I live in Paradise surrounded by like minded carers and I am safe, live in nature, walk in beauty, work in meaning, have many avenues to make connection and create art. 

What a joyous course I have served myself on this exquisite plate!!

 

yet

You

hurt me so deeply, I try to devalue that because I am aware of your pure intention, grounded in good

 

But you have called to me, then forsaken me. Cannot get past it if I don’t go through it…. 

 

Somewhere you chose fear instead of love and turned away from the light I offered, you choose to do that sneakily and guiltily although there were warnings everywhere that this is no usual or pedestrian or average meeting, meant to be taken with the gravity warranted by full court in the musical city that could.

Instead, you have forsaken me.

 

You left me, in darkness, in silence, with no warning

Which was noiselessly humiliating, sinking underground

 

Also, I missed you, your cleverness. 

I liked laughing with you and was getting used to feeling found

 

Secretly, cleverly you seemed to come back, but when I showed up for us with such joy, you hid

 

I cannot fathom why you would hide. I gladly traveled such long distances…

You could look me in the eye and say or sing, “I have changed my mind; you are not for me”  and I would respect it more

 

more than this, hiding like you did

Did you?

 

Do not use me to do to her what was done to me, please 

I will have no part in it! I forbid you and I forbid it, do what you will but be clear & clean about it

 

For I am here for joy, no longer just survival. I already survived. Healing does not mean I have not survived… it just feels that way to my poor soldier brain, tirelessly struggling to keep me safe

I heal anyway

 

What is known seems safe even when it’s not; a trick of the soldier! Don’t trust what is known.

Not always. Be aware. Don’t have to stay.

 

YOU, therefore, are so familiar to me

                                 now

                                      because you have rejected me and endlessly humiliated me

                                             This, I recognize, and these qualities were long exemplified as love

So i think & feel & know

you are love

when rejection and shame have just put on a pretty costume to trick me! Again!

 

However

Where my theory goes wonky, where my logic tilts, is that you were SO familiar way before you hurt me, when you liked, admired, cherished, respected and walked backwards to witness me….  Hence the confusion, baffling me and monkey wrenching all machinations of this formulaic mess 

 

Familiarity does not breed happiness nor rightness, so now comes my own clever trickery, I will trick me into being safe enough to allow joy back by my music, playing or humming or singing, deep floor breaths, my own moving eyes, imagining my good & laughter, remembering my happiness, resetting and reprogramming all trauma to joyousness

 

I cast upon myself the spell of no longer replaying your heart or your music or your leaving,

By gently asking

          What does this memory need to be complete enough to be allowed to float away?

 

Joy is the opposite action of fear, I will list my fears, circle the ones to change to be less threatening, take one step at a time to remove those illusions, I do this alone, as I may

 

Honor, and remember the growth that came from such love we shared … for i feel it although you seem to be done and moved on to the next great amazing once in a lifetime loverships

                                 How lucky you are

                                              Some go whole lifetimes never knowing deep real love once and you found 3 in a row

 

Sarcasm another way I avoid my pain, my horror, my distress

                     How could i ever have been so very blinded to fall for such an old trick

Words, never meant to be literal, paint prettying pictures to music and fool the unsuspecting

             Never ever real at all, perhaps, just lovely whimsical words, gone on a wisp of slick

 

It is why Cyrano died after spending all his life alone and loverless.

 

But words give gifts, and I will take what I can salvage. You loved me once and it was a mighty love. So sweet I demand more but I am denied in more than this

 

My answer here

Is to remember but attach a new meaning; what could I learn from being loved so deeply?

 

You said I set them up to knock them down

                                                   But no, I never did that. Not intentionally or otherwise

I am not one who knocks anyone down, not ever, do you not see that about me?

I would be the one bending down to offer a hand up to any fallen sweetly…

 

Others don’t see fireworks we saw, they were set just for you I suppose

 

My ego took many sweet admiring words meant for another I am suspecting

               and swelled up

So when it burst there was no one around to clean up all that bloody mess 

                   But me

Sure it’s her perception but as no one else around corrects her mis-, 

 it’s what she knows

 

Again, Remembering

I am here

It is now

I am safe, free, not a tear

 

There is no huge angry screaming scotch scented monster squashing me in a corner assuring me I am a worthless human, always will be, a piece of shit who will amount to nothing in life, no one in the family would, on and on, small little children, how could they, so impossible to unhear

 

I am safe

I am worthwhile, I do good, I amounted to something, someone who is cared about, respected

My death will not go unnoticed, I remember the face of my father very well, yes I do

Small me had not my needs met, terrified and furious most seconds of most days, how could I ever forget, first 2 decades are infinitely longer than all others together too

 

Therefore

Your uneven, unequal and cataclysmic 

                                                      melodic romance

                          Spoke inside

 

It was known to me

 

As I was preparing to leave the pretended safety of a silken liar lair

             I fell in love

 

Being in love gave me the courage needed to complete the leaving

Honestly not sure i could have done it without that and as I sadly really needed to do that I will be grateful

For eternity

 

You could have

Should have

just loved me.

You should have read the script earlier and just let us love, perhaps we’d have drifted apart happier and richly rewarded, growing and sharing, healing and perhaps moving on

 

What would we have then that we have not had before?

You sang of my peace which robbed me of my peace, am I not owed for that? A song?

 

They say if you save a person’s life they become your responsibility

If you saved my soul, am I not your responsibility in some strange land? 

Why reach out to save me, sir? Lead me through the aftermath?

Why? If you don’t want me? Or my hand?

 

This is the familiar part; shamed and rejected and don’t understand why. 

Must be revolting, a horror, disgusting, terrible, irredeemable, somehow mysteriously repulsive and then I drown in trying to decipher that; what exactly in me is so bad?! Must find it to fix it!

Baffling, maddening, and oh so familiar. See the children trust and love me so that belies the lie.

 

This is the righteous anger I reference that does not belong to you.

 

If only I had one shred of possible understanding I would not get so damn stuck here

Why???? Why shun me like that, so publicly, so permanently, no break, discordant hammer stays up until all music has run dry, how does that help anyone? Flies escape or they die; no traps hold them. Silly to try

Warned you not to read this, now you know why
 

In conclusion, 

This is what I’ve captured with my pen:

 

We did have a monumental connection, an important one. It brought giant change to my life and spun awe inspiring incredible art in yours. Van Gogh painted a masterpiece from his solitudinal paints; did you call us a masterpiece just then?

 

I missed why, but you decided against me, the one unrefuted fact we both see

Even though you appeared to still have deep feelings for me and considering chance, away from the moon doesn’t mean we’ll always be…

 

You said adventure was calling; the west wind knew our hunger; we know what they’re dreaming about; fire; only have a little while; our playful circles as we are almost certain of each other…

 

All would be made clear, made known, I thought, love cuts through all mystery like a mist

Tales to be told, We know the answer let the rest of em guess

Is what you sweetly utter

 

And then fell into some other girl.

 

I meant none of what you had written I meant to you

           They were all just beautiful words, whispered at night

 

until someone else big and pretty came along

                  now you are a night time creature learning to be happy in sunlight.

Do you ever awake in the deep quiet night of now, in the darkness, and find I am with you?

I stayed diamond so you would rust and if only you weren’t quite so beautiful that rusty way….

 

I miss you throwing your hat up in the air, but you might awaken to sweetly furry purring, 

I will take the small joys                                                                                                                                                                                          as I don’t look back

                               Find the way not to stay