Okay, okay, I see that you are distressed.
 I see that you are feeling like you want to cry,
  you're frustrated,
 lately you've been feeling
 angry more than usual. It's ok to not know exactly why. 

I feel the boxes
 maybe I can list them:
political targeting of trans people,
 the unreliability of [redacted]'s access to HRT,
 the amount of work needed to ensure she is 
as safe
 as possible.

 The "box" is what here? 
getting her birth certificate,
the DMV Thursday for the "RealID"
 so we can
 travel domestically while 
waiting for
 a passport.

I feel angry, I feel powerless
 and confused.
 I feel angry at her.
 I feel angry at society and people and my fucking family. 
 I don't feel right getting angry with her
 for not caring about herself more,
 understanding her importance,
 how much she matters to me.
 I am angry.

 I feel boxed in by contrasting forces,
 immovable objects,
 things that appear stuck and stubborn
 and I can't change them.

 I feel boxed in by the things
 I care about,
 I feel boxed in by my own feelings
 of love.
 
I feel boxed in by my feelings.
 I'm sick of all of this.

 I can't even think of what life might look like
 if I just didn't care about
 any of it,
 I don't know what that would even look like it is so
 abstract
 to me.

 I feel boxed in by my urge to fix reality where I can't.
 I feel boxed in by fear that nothing I do will matter.
 That I don't matter
 and things I care about don't matter
 because I don't matter.
 
Things I care about don't matter
 so I should care about them less,
 accept things for how they are. 

Other people do this, adults do this, 
abandon the things that matter to them, 
abandon their humanity. 
My sister
 and her husband 
and my mom and others 
are better at compartmentalizing these things, shutting off
 parts of themselves so they can live.
 I can do this for a moment, brief periods,
 but I haven't been able 
to 
make my heart stop.
 To
 give up hope
 and accept things.
 
I feel boxed in by hope
 like it's a chain around my ankle
 keeping me tethered to the only
 square meter of earth I've ever known.

 I feel boxed in by hope that feels like an abusive relationship. 

Hope, I am angry,
 hope, you have forsaken me 
again 
and again
 and again.

 Hope,
 I am lost,
 I wish I didn't have to grasp for you
 but instead for some other thing like
 complacency, apathy, indifference. 
Those things want nothing to do with me.

 Hope, like I'm talking to a cloud
 out of reach and disintegrating.

 Hope, 
like sunlight that mocks me.

 I am angry today.
 I am angry today.
 I am angry today. 
I don't want to work and do grading.
 I don't want to go get birth certificates
 and mood medications
 and remind [redacted] only to have her brush me off
 and I feel like shit.

 I am angry and I don't know what else to do.
 I guess I'm sad.
 I'm grateful for my writing this out.
 I'm grateful for allowing anger to be held. 

I don't want to write anymore, maybe later.