These days I find it hard to catch

A lady’s eye (more so her snatch)

Until I found this secret ploy

I’ve started wearing corduroy;

Cos when they’ve reached a certain age

They can’t resist it brown or beige;

And, better still, their heartbeat races

If they’re held up by some braces.

 

This rarely fails but if it does

Fret ye not nor make a fuss

Cos deadly for a silver fox

Are sandals worn with knee-length socks.

 

You might suggest a meal for two

Make sure to take your teeth with you;

And less the flirting small talk fades

Be sure to wear your hearing aids

And only an unbridled cad

Would not wear a fresh clean pad.

 

When once her maidenhood she’d lose

To gin or wine or cheaper booze

Now that she’s an OAP

Take her for a nice cream tea;

Cos if you plan to get it in

Forget about that wine or gin

And once you get her home alone

Ply her with jam and cream and scone.

 

But:-

if ardour fails you when in bed

Watch “Frost” on DVD instead.