Old Mordaunt's Web (or Penny's for the Poor)
Apologies to— Mary Howitt (1829)
1
"Will you walk into my pantry?" said old Mordaunt to the poor;
" It’s the poshest little pantry, see, up there, just through that door!
The way into my pantry is up a winding stair,
And I have many pretty things to show when you are there."
"Oh no, no!" said the hungry poor, "to ask us is in vain,
For who went up your winding stair have ne'er come down again."
The way into my pantry is up a winding stair,
And I have many pretty things to show when you are there."
"Oh no, no!" said the hungry poor, "to ask us is in vain,
For who went up your winding stair have ne'er come down again."
2
"I’m sure you must be weary, for prices are sky high,
“Consider please my offer”, said Old Mordaunt to the poor.
"I’ve lots of amuse bouche for you, you’re hungry and and you’re thin;
So if you’d like to sit awhile, I'll gladly take you in."
"Oh no, no!" said one hungry guy, "they always end up dead,
They never, never wake again, who trust what Tories said!"
"I’ve lots of amuse bouche for you, you’re hungry and and you’re thin;
So if you’d like to sit awhile, I'll gladly take you in."
"Oh no, no!" said one hungry guy, "they always end up dead,
They never, never wake again, who trust what Tories said!"
3
Said the cunning Mordaunt to the poor, "Dear friends, what can I do,
To prove the warm affection I've always felt for you?
I have, within my pantry, good store of all that's nice;
I’m sure you're very welcome – oh please do take a slice!"
"Oh no, no!" said that hungry guy, "I’m afraid that cannot be,"
I've heard what's in your pantry, and I do not wish to see."
To prove the warm affection I've always felt for you?
I have, within my pantry, good store of all that's nice;
I’m sure you're very welcome – oh please do take a slice!"
"Oh no, no!" said that hungry guy, "I’m afraid that cannot be,"
I've heard what's in your pantry, and I do not wish to see."
4
"Dear fellow!" said Old Mordaunt, "you're witty and you're wise.
How clever are you working class, with such taste for porkie pies!
I have a little looking-glass upon my pantry shelf,
If you'll step in dear handsome sir, you shall behold yourself."
"I thank you kindly madam," he said, "for what you're pleased to say,
I’m bidding you good morning now, I'll call another day."
How clever are you working class, with such taste for porkie pies!
I have a little looking-glass upon my pantry shelf,
If you'll step in dear handsome sir, you shall behold yourself."
"I thank you kindly madam," he said, "for what you're pleased to say,
I’m bidding you good morning now, I'll call another day."
5
Old Mordaunt turned herself around, went back into her den,
For well she knew, that hungry guy would soon come back again:
So she wove a subtle web, in her Tory corner sly,
And set her pantry ready, to trap that hungry guy.
Then she went out to her door again, and merrily did sing,
"Come hither, handsome clever fellow, I so love your bling;
Your tracky shoes are really cool – and that jaunty cap on your head!
Your intellect is diamond bright, but I am dull as lead."
For well she knew, that hungry guy would soon come back again:
So she wove a subtle web, in her Tory corner sly,
And set her pantry ready, to trap that hungry guy.
Then she went out to her door again, and merrily did sing,
"Come hither, handsome clever fellow, I so love your bling;
Your tracky shoes are really cool – and that jaunty cap on your head!
Your intellect is diamond bright, but I am dull as lead."
6
Alas, alas! how very soon this silly hungry guy,
Hearing her wily, flattering words, came slowly loitering by;
With clinking bling he hung around, then near and nearer drew,
Reflecting on his intellect bright, and such cool tracky shoes:–
Thinking only of his baseball cap, poor foolish guy! – At last
Up jumped old cunning Mordaunt, and fiercely held him fast.
Hearing her wily, flattering words, came slowly loitering by;
With clinking bling he hung around, then near and nearer drew,
Reflecting on his intellect bright, and such cool tracky shoes:–
Thinking only of his baseball cap, poor foolish guy! – At last
Up jumped old cunning Mordaunt, and fiercely held him fast.
7
Old Mordaunt dragged him up her stair, into her dismal den,
Within her little pantry – but he ne'er came out again!
– And now, dear hungry children, who may this story read,
To that Old Mordaunt’s flattering words, I pray you ne'er give heed:
Within her little pantry – but he ne'er came out again!
– And now, dear hungry children, who may this story read,
To that Old Mordaunt’s flattering words, I pray you ne'er give heed:
Unto those lying Tory scum, close heart, and ear and eye,
Heed well this sorry tale, of Mordaunt and that guy’s demise.
Uilleam Ó Ceallaigh
Sat 24th Dec 2022 00:50
Thank you all for your likes and comments.
I owe Mary Howitt and her spider and fly a huge thanks.