Charlie’s marriage was stale and cold.

It had begun to go wrong as soon as they’d wed.

She said he smelled; her ways were too ‘old,’

So, he and Elma had separate beds.

 

The situation was desperate!

He couldn’t afford a divorce.

Charlie was in his forties,

The marriage wouldn’t last its course…

 

Naturally he sought out a ‘hitman,’

Someone of the highest repute,

Who could take out a wife with impunity,

Whilst granting the victim some dignity,

And that is when Charlie met Arty…

 

Arty was a perfectionist,

A doyen of his craft.

His planning was meticulous,

Doing whatever his employer asked.

No matter what the complexity,

Arty never threw in the towel.

Arty was an absolute expert.

In the art of Murder, Most Foul!

 

Arty was never greedy.

It was only a pound to do the deed!

He would throttle Elma in Tesco.

His hands were the only tools he would need!

 

Ruthlessly, Charlie identified his ‘mark,’

When he casually met up with Arty,

By the swings in the local park.

“Elma gets dressed by committee,

It’s the thing which most depresses me.

Her clothes are from a jumble sale.

Yellow hat, green shirt, red skirt,

She’ll be in Tesco’s at half past three.

 

And there she was: yellow, green, and red!

Arty had a sudden rush of blood to the head!

He grabbed her near the watermelons.

And squeezed her hard, ‘til she was dead!

 

Around the corner, in the very next aisle,

Was a lady in yellow, red, and green!

A lady looking just like Elma,

Whom Arty had not yet seen.

Arty panicked and, without any tact,

In the self-same idiotic style,

Performed his second murderous act!

 

He was collared by the store detective

Unused to such heinous crime!

Although, they say, in Malton Market Place 

Such murders happen all the time!

 

Our local paper brandished the headline-

They felt their readers had a right to know:

Arty Chokes Two For A Pound, In Tesco!