Being a girl can often be a precarious thing

I’ve often struggled with all the associated bling

A number of times I’ve found female accouterments

Really quite devastatingly mind numbing

 

Why does it take you so long?

A question many of my girlfriends

Have heard throughout their lives

Girlfriends, sisters, friends and wives

They’ve learned it’s best to keep quiet

 

There’s plucking, blowing and lawn mowing

Not to mention tights!

Getting them on without falling flat on your arse

It really is no mean feat!

It’s best to do that out of sight

Unless one is prepared to become an undignified farce

 

Let’s think now about the bra

Designed to keep things nice and high

For those of you who have no need

I forgive your ignorance

The wearing of the bra requires you first

To be able to dance

Double joints will aid advance

 

First you wrap it round your ribs

Make sure it’s upside down

And inside out

The uneducated may think this is quite a simple task

But I assure you that for me it’s really quite

A big ask

 

Knickers designed for tummy control

The wearing of these are best suited to the gymnast

Although, admittedly they are probably the last

To need them at all

And I still haven’t sussed how to tuck in the rolls

 

The modern, younger woman

Seems to think that these activities are still not enough

So, they have introduced a few added extras

Fake tans, nails and eyelashes

To mention but a few

Let’s not forget the waxing, fillers and bottom lifts!

It’s really quite an extensive list

 

So next time your eye is caught

By the glamorous girl

All shiny, smooth and taut

Take a moment to appreciate

The time and money spent

Never underestimate her skills

She’s a gymnast, a contortionist

An artist, a perfectionist

Her pain threshold is impressive

And despite it all she probably

Still doubts herself

 

The pressure is intense

Celebrities and reality shows

Tell her she is never good enough

If she doesn’t comply

She’ll be left on the shelf

She must up her game

And become one of the hot stuff

 

As for me, I burnt my bra

Quite some time ago

My skin is fair, I never tan

I have stubby eyelashes and broken nails

My tummy rolls a little bit

And I let it all hang out; because I prefer to breathe

I studied French and Politics, History, Psychology

And several other things

Not once was I ever asked for a certificate of bling!

 

C.K. 22